And in the blink of an eye...

... and in the blink of an eye, my father is gone. After so many years and so many goodbyes, my father died last week and I find myself as unprepared as if he had suddenly stopped mid-sentence. I am shocked, sad and dismayed by how much I am grieving. My father was sick for some time, his dementia was very advanced and he had many other health issues. It was time for him to die, he was 88, he lived a full and wonderful life and yet, it was too soon, how strange.

I was due to go on a week's retreat to Auschwitz and I jokingly said to a friend. "if my dad knew what I was intending, he would die", and so he did. I am back home now, having spent the past few days in the States with my brother and the rest of our small family saying goodbye to my very special dad.

He was very special. I have before now written about his history, the many terrible things he overcame to become a father, a husband, a man of some means and above all, a warm and loving person. I am under no illusions, my father was a difficult man to live with, but he was also so heartful, so funny and completely devoted to us, his family. Today, as I finally write the words announcing his death, I realise how much it has taken me to write this down. it is too final. I haven't wanted to tell many people. Every sign of care, every message of sympathy is so hard for me to take. Tears seem to keep falling from my eyes. I thought I was so ready to say goodbye. I'm not. Slowly, slowly, with the love of those around me, I am letting go of my dad.