Is there anybody there???

Is there anyone listening? Does it matter? Should it matter?  Who am I writing this for? I started thinking about this last night. I was reading some blogs that others had posted and I realised that I had no axe to grind or no religious fervour to display or anything else to put across as a platform or party position.  Then, I thought, what's the  point of writing this blog?  Does it matter, I ask again?

It matters to me. It has become a good way for me to allow my mind to wander across a page. Writing things down does two things for me:  it takes the power out of negative thinking, and it lets me see how sentimental/pessimistic/irrational/talented I am. I have been surprised at the sort of nostalgic melancholia coming out in my writing.  I  attribute this to the time of the year. Normally in winter I sink into a miasmic depression and find it very difficult to emerge at all.  At least by writing I can put some of that out and not have to let it grow in the dark - like a fungus or mushroom.

Today, though,  I had a complete insane meltdown.  Screaming, shouting, throwing things - a full-blown childish tantrum.  It's passed now and boy, I am hard to live with in this space. At this time of year small things set me off and there is no predicting the where or when. It feels like all  the weeks of sort of keeping it together while the builders were here has finally burst. Maybe now I can calm down and just be here now.  Living inside my head at the moment is a rough ride and I know that living outside me and next to me is not any easier.

The darkness of Winter really does make me want to hibernate. How many generations is it since our ancestors did just that? Didn't we used to bed down in Winter and really emerge in Spring. Certainly I want to eat lots of heavy carb-laden foods and sleep loads.  Sometimes I just let myself do just that and it does feel wonderfully soothing, but I'm pleased that I can also pull myself out of thiis space and see friends and participate in life outside my nest.

Tomorrow my son arrives for a two week visit and I am really looking forward to seeing him again. Christmas is a kind of non-event in our house, but it does mean seeing more people and on the 31st celebrating Ralph's birthday.

I guess the point of today's writing is simply to again remind myself to be kind to those around me and patient and loving with myself. Things always get better.

Have a wonderful Christmas celebration!