Fears of creativity

I finally sent off for some of the materials that I need to begin an art project that I have had floating around my brain for about ten years.  This is a first step and feels a little daunting.

For the past ten years I have been planning to make a silk prayer shawl that depicts a history of my family,  using drawing, photos, collage, embroidery and painting.  I have a very clear idea in my mind as to how this will look when it's finished.  I am not sure that I will be able to do this and this uncertainty (there's that word again) is what has stopped my for many years. What if I can't do this? What if it comes out badly?  What if I don't like it or worse, what if it's just mediocre, rather than beautiful, the way it is in my mind?  All of these doubts are running around in my head and for years have stopped me taking risks with my work.

Instead, I do the things I know I'll do well - bake cakes, cook,  knit things, sew stuff, string beads and make bowls. Just craft stuff as opposed to real 'Art".  I have been scared of real 'Art' for years and years. Even making this distinction is a way of stopping myself. It is this fear that prevented me from becoming an artist and it is this same fear that keeps me in my comfort zone in many other areas of my life.

What is this fear about?  Last weekend in the meditation group I attended I had a chat with a woman of about my age and we talked about how each of us does new things, starts new self-help initiatives and stops at some point. It is always the same stopping place. The point of enough.  Let me explain:  Oh, this technique is working, I'll carry on and then I stop when I feel ok, pretty good, when some voice in my head says, that's enough. Don't push for more. Accept this place, Enough is fine. Don't be greedy and ask for more. Things could go wrong. So far, so good. let's stop here. You've lost some weight, that's enough. Your back feels better, ok, that's enough. Don't push it.

We both laughed and recognised a Jewish pattern. Don't ask for too much. It might all disappear. Don't draw too much attention to yourself. Others might be envious and then you'll be in danger. Stop now, that's enough. It'll do for now.

When I was in university studying fine arts I found that one of the hardest things for me  was having to display my work for it to be critiqued by others. It was as if I was turning myself inside out and all raw and exposed. This is also connected to the fear I feel about genuinely putting myself out into the world.  Is it also a female thing?  As a woman have I been conditioned to not grab the limelight, to only go so far and be content with less?

All these feelings are in operation at the moment. I am determined to start my project.  It has been so real in my mind for so long that I need to finally let it go and see how high I can fly with it. In my deepest heart I feel it's going to be spectacular. As I see it in my mind's eye it is beautiful and that makes me feel very happy and excited.

I've used this quote from Marianne  Williamson before, but it is so apt, I will quote it here again, since every time I hear it, it speaks to me louder and louder:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”