Surprising myself

Things I have discovered I like about winter:

• My warm, comfortable home
• Hot drinks while sitting on the couch
• Time to reflect and think
• Less need to run, slower pace of life
• Short days and enveloping darkness
• Soups, casseroles, baking and cooking
• Early nights and hibernation time
• TV
• Music
  

This is amazing for me. For the past ten years or more I have gone into a heavy winter depression beginning when the clocks get moved in late October and usually ending in March. In the past I have tried taking anti-depressants, changing my diet, sitting under SAD light lamps and cognitive behavioural therapy.  Last summer I did a six week course in mindfulness meditation for chronic depression and for two summers I have attended kirtan chanting workshops. In some way the meditation and chanting were like stockpiling weapons for the winter onslaught.  All of these things helped - some more than others. Actually the anti-depressants helped the least and had a raft of side effects attached to them.  Regardless of the things I have tried, the old familiar friend of misery (and it had begun to feel like that) arrived every late Autumn and like an unwelcome guest, stayed for far too long.

This year is different. I feel more content, less frazzled and more balanced. I have been trying to identify what is different so that I can do this again next winter.  These are the things I have been able to pinpoint:

• Spending much more time outdoors.  A positive impact of having my house dismantled by building work was that I had to go out every day.  I walked and ambled and met friends and generally spent many hours in the daylight.
• Cooking, knitting, baking, sewing and generally being more creative.
• Spending time appreciating the reality of my life.  Less work has meant less money but has also meant more time for me.
• Not jumping into every trap I set for myself and slowly getting my life in perspective.
• Stop exaggerating small things. Cracks in the walls do not mean that my house is falling down and I will be homeless - they are just cracks.
• Writing every day.  I think this has been the greatest revelation.  Taking time every day to think about who I am, what I do, where I come from and maybe, where I'm going, has been an absolute revelation and I am stunned at how much I enjoy this. It feels like a process of 'coming out'.
  

Some time ago I wrote this and secretly this is also who I am:

"I sit quietly listening to music that touches my heart. As I allow my heart to open it grows bigger and encompasses the space I occupy and yet I seem to be very small in the space. The softness and warmth of where I am now also feels so powerful and fiery.
Contradictions.
The serpent and the cloud meet in the fire and dance and dance as if there is no end.  Who is this magnificent woman?  I hardly know you and yet, i am you.  When we meet it is like a reunion of lovers, a joining of a split cell.  Finally."

Today, now, this is where I am.

Now I have to go, my onion quiche needs to come out of the oven.