Who's in the Driving Seat?

Today I thought I'd give myself a day of shopping.  I drove Ralph to work as his car had been clamped (illegally) and he couldn't get the clampers to come till this morning. This meant I was out and on the road at around 9 am.  I went to a nearby shopping mall and spent a very, very long time shopping, though I actually bought very little. It was a delightful day. and I really enjoyed having the whole day in front of me and no obligations to fulfill.

I watched people shopping. I gave a stranger advice on the jacket he was trying on - it looked  dreadful and I advised him never to buy anything at a sale price that he wouldn't have bought at full price if he could afford it.  Many is the time I've bought something that wasn't quite right because the price was so good.  Unfortunately, the price may have been right, but the thing I'd bought wasn't and it's an expensive way to fill a closet with discounted clothing that never gets worn. 

I carried on my 'shpatziring" (Yiddish for strolling about), had some yummy frozen yogurt, and generally used up five or six hours not buying things. I am struck by the fact that it takes me longer to do nothing than it does to do something. Once I have a task or project or some work I become efficient and rushed.  This feeling of being rushed or being in a hurry is one with which I am well-acquainted. I often experience a sense of extreme urgency that is not at all comfortable. This urgency looked like this today.

I came home, dropped my bits of shopping (Ok I lied, I did buy a few things,  a t-shirt, some hair dye, a pair of shoes, a few things for Ralph, a great second-hand jacket and a big bag of groceries) and immediately started preparing dinner, chopping onions, dry frying the curry spices, chopping vegetables, cooking rice pudding and while stirring the pudding,  I emptied the dishwasher.  I checked my mail and quickly phoned a client and arranged some meeting and work dates. I phoned a travel site that hadn't confirmed some travel plans and meanwhile put the shopping away and started the curry cooking.  During this entire time I felt this rising panic.  Why had I spent so long out? The day is over and I've done so little.  The little voice in my head is telling me I'd better hurry or I won't get all the things done this evening that I need to do. I have to shorten some trousers, do laundry.  I'm participating in a workshop for the next two days and won't be home so I won't have much time.  Panic...PANIC!

STOP

In Transactional Analysis, Eric Berne identified 5 behavioural drivers that have both positive and negative aspects. The tbehaviours that drive us become problematic when they are stress driven and then we can lose control of ourselves and our actions.

The drivers are:

1. Be perfect
2. Please others
3. Try harder
4. Be strong
5. Hurry up

For me,  the two behaviours  I can really see I am driven by are Be Strong and Hurry Up.  Most of the time I am in the driver's seat and can appreciate the benefits I gain from these drivers.  I am strong and can deal with crises and emotions pretty well.  I am good at taking on projects, getting things done on time and meeting deadlines, even if it is by the skin of my teeth.  Sometimes though, like today, the Hurry Up driver takes over and I feel very out of control.  The rushed feeling that I can never catch up with myself creates anxiety and that creates panic.  It's good for me to be able to stop and re-assess.

What would be the worst thing that could happen if I didn't feel that sense of rushing and hurrying?  What if dinner was an hour later or the dishwasher didn't get emptied? I have never missed a plane, a meeting, a train, a social engagement or even a doctor appointment.  Any deadline I have missed has not been fatal and has always been re-arranged.  Dinner always gets made and eaten. 

I guess it's good for me to identify the times the drivers take over and I'm just bumping along for the ride and generally ending up somewhere I didn't choose to be.  The workshop I am doing this weekend is about developing a spiritual/meditative practice.  I am looking forward to two days of not driving at all.

BTW - the curry is really good and the rice pudding is out of this world delicious! And, of course, they were both ready just in time...