Moments of clarity...

 

"A human being is part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. 

Our task must be to free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. The true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive." - Albert Einstein

Deep feelings, melancholy feelings, sadness, passion, joy, an almost tangible warmth of emotion - these are all things that I experience during my day. Of course there are also feelings of annoyance, irritation, frustration, anger and more but these I judge more negatively rather than the feelings I experience in a way that feels satisfying.

And yet, they are all just feelings.  When I watch my feelings I see how quickly they change. My feelings move through me like the wind, sometimes becoming a tornado and other times like a warm tropical breeze.  I see how some of these feelings are ones I would like to hang on to, some are ones that surprise me and others I want to push away as quickly as possible. I don't always hang on to the positive ones either.

It has taken me many, many years, and will probably continue to take many more years, if not life times, for me to truly understand that I am not my feelings. I can stand calmly in the centre of the cyclone of my emotions and just watch. Again, I cannot maintain this state for long, but it does happen often enough now for me to stop and notice.

Once, many years ago, I was in a house in the woods in Holland, outside of the Hague, near the beach. I was listening to Keith Jarrett's Koln Concert and washing some dishes. I stopped for a moment and gazed out of the window. Just trees and woods in my view and then very quietly, the world and my endless obsessive thoughts seemed to stop, and for that brief moment I knew, in my bones, in my heart, and deep in myself, that everything was perfect - it was as if I held a teardrop in my hand, and just in the split second before it dispersed I could see the perfect reflection of everything.  It was a moment of total peace.

I still remember that, even though it was about 30 years ago.  I remember it because I had never had an experience of such clarity and quiet.  I have had moments like that since and sometimes they last longer than a few minutes, but that first time was almost spiritually orgasmic. It shifted my awareness of possibility. I had a glimpse of a world beyond my world.

There is a word in Japanese Buddhism to describe this experience: kensho.  It means to have a brief experience of one's true nature or true self. Is this what I had?  Who knows? It just showed me a little fork in the road of my feelings - the fork where these feelings in which I invest so much time, so much energy, are just feelings.  They are not the whole picture and are not worth getting caught up with.  Big, big learning for me and one that I sometimes forget. Sometimes, like a few days ago, with the 'dress incident' I get so caught up in feeling my feelings that I lose sight of what is.

So this afternoon I sit, look out the window for a few minutes and just take time to reflect on what is, and what is, is fine.