Outed as a madwoman -

Now that the internet in my house is working again and my phone line has been repaired I have started to calm down.  I hang my head in shame today. I walked around yesterday doing an impression of the Madwoman of Chaillot. I felt (and acted) completely nuts.  Even I didn't like me and I imagine that Ralph wasn't too crazy about me either.  I was totally out of control.

Why do I give myself permission to act out in this self-destructive way?  How can I even begin to entertain any thought that this kind of behaviour serves me in any way at all?  I guess the answer to that is that when I have this kind of brain frying mood, there is no rational Cynthia present. I seem to forget the meditative possibility in me and just give in to the hysteric.  It does remind me of my worst pre-menstrual moods - murderous and enraged and actually scary. 

I feel this passing and I am really pleased.  It is all overwhelming and I can take some solace from the fact that this was the worst mood day of the winter. I have had previous winters where most days were like this. I am getting better in that I can see the changes and acknowledge my positive improvement. Also the moods seem to pass through a lot quicker - like having taken emotional laxatives!

It's time for me to start chanting again. There is an evening kirtan session on Sunday that sounds nice and I think I need to reconnect with the deeper part of me that is healthy and whole and not subject to the waves of emotion that send me so easily off centre.

Today's entry is short. I really need to sleep a lot tonight.  I need to heal all those frazzled nerve endings and be kind to me for a while.