Aimless day

When I woke up this morning I rolled over, looked at the clock and saw that it was 9 am.  Late, I thought, putting on my White Rabbit persona.  Late, late, wait a minute, late for what? No plans, no arrangements, no food needing to be bought and no people to see.  In other words, a completely free day.  Now the question was what to do? 

I thought for a few minutes and discarded the idea of going back to sleep.  This seems a waste of a day.  I have no trouble sleeping at night and just to loll about in bed all day didn't appeal.  The sun was shining for a bit, but seemed to have disappeared, so I really didn't fancy a walk in the woods.  To be honest, I rarely fancy a walk in the woods.  I am not a natural nature lover.  To my shame because I know I should be in touch with my nature-loving side, but I would much rather walk down a High Street in a city than tramp through untouched woodland.  Now, the sea... there's another story. I love the sea and the beach but unfortunately my house is hours from the nearest coast line.

Finally, after a long, leisurely shower, I decided to do the one thing that was outstanding - to return the trousers I inadvertently stole a few days ago and subsequently paid for.  In the end, they were too big.  "What on earth did you expect?" was the comment Ralph made and he was right, though it always irks me to let him know this. So today's task was going to be returning trousers.

I drove to the nearest shopping mall to return the trousers.  The twenty minute journey was relaxing as I sang along with my music and enjoyed the signs of Spring everywhere. When I got to the shop I was seduced by the many sale racks and plucked up armfuls of clothes to try on.  Again, as the other day, no luck.  I tried everything on and even took my boots and trousers off to do this, but fancied nothing. At least no fire alarms went off, but I was on high alert nonetheless.  I almost knew I wouldn't buy anything when I went into the shop.  Today was not a day to buy.  It was a day to wander.

I bought myself a frozen yogurt and wandered from shop to shop looking at all kinds of possibilities, from shoes to kitchenware and feeling very blessed to already have everything I needed. I did end up doing an errand for Ralph who needed thread for his students, so I could legitimately justify going out shopping since I had to buy eight spools of thread.

I realised when I was out that I very much enjoy having the day to myself.  I have friends I could phone and meet for lunch or tea, but today I preferred to be alone.  More and more I see that I like to be by myself.  I'm not sure why.  I used to be 'Miss Congeniality' and would invite people to my home or make some sort of social arraangements at the drop of a hat.  In recent years this has completely changed.  I still love seeing people and feeding people here in my home makes me very happy, but the need to constantly be in the company of others has fallen away.

I can't pinpoint an exact time when my socialbility gene started failing.  I do know that as I approached my menopausal years I beccame more and more withdrawn.  I think I would have spent whole months not speaking if I hadn't had a husband and son living with me.  I know this drawing in was not unique to me.  Every woman I know has gone through a similar pulling away from people and a need to spend time alone.  Maybe it is a natural way of transforming.  After all, caterpillars weave cocoons round themselves in order to eventually emerge as a butterfly. I think woman go through a similar metamorphosis during their middle years. 

At about the same time I has surgery to correct my spinal scoliosis.  This was a time of huge vulnerability for me.  I spent three months in heavy pain and this meant I rested a lot.  I was on my own for long periods and enjoyed watching the leaves arrive on the big sycamore tree outside my window. I didn't much care for visitors and began to jealously guard my alone time.
 
Even before these times, when I was 19 I went to Europe from New York for six weeks of travelling on my own.  This was in 1968 and I'm pretty sure it was an unusual thing to do.  I knew that I couldn't imagine traveling with someone else and not having arguments or disagreement over our different needs.  I've always been pretty self-sufficient and often travel to the States on my own..

To come back to my day, I bought thread, apples and nothing else.  I achieved nothing, did not change the world, effect the environment or fix anything.  I just had one of those nice, easy days that are so easy to let slip by and yet are actually quite precious.