Oh lucky me, sitting in my sunny room, enveloped by wonderful smells coming from my kitchen, listening to Krishna Das chanting, still in my pajamas, contemplating the rest of my day and it's still only 9 am.
Passover is coming and the foods and feelings are flooding back today. I've been awake since dawn and made some sweet and sour stuffed cabbage plus a big pot of chicken soup.
Cheesecake next. The spirit of my mother has been at my side all morning and I feel particularly close to her today. I miss sitting in her kitchen and watching her roll the cabbage parcels and carefully skim the soup. Today I've had to content myself with having her near but just out of reach.
Sometimes I feel that I go through my life with people, dead or alive, near and just out of reach. I am often walled up in a world of my own creation and just as often, I don't have any desire to emerge. On a day like today, I want to share the calm and contentment I feel, but aside from Ralph, whom I trust more than I trust myself, I'm sure that there are only a small handful of people I would want in this space with me.
Throughout my life I have had what I have labeled 'transcendent experiences'. Those times (occasionally assisted) when I have connected to an energy, spirit and feeling of worlds, universes, galaxies, beyond my comprehension, but in which I am also living. This sounds strange for me to state. Some of the people I know find this impossible, even bizarre and yet, the world I walk around in every day is also pretty bizarre.
Every day when I'm not working I make sure and get outside. On my walks I meet some of the same local people. Some I acknowledge and some I just stand and silently watch. The man dressed as a pirate always strikes me as an especially happy guy. He literally has a swagger in his step and is just missing an eye patch for the outfit to be complete. He wears this outfit every day. There is also the man who always dresses in clothing that might have been worn in the early 17th century by English soldiers. He also, my son tells me, poses for a nude life drawing class in a nearby school. He jauntily gallumps down the high street with his white stockings, breeches and black buckle shoes. What drives these people to get up in the morning and think, 'I know, today I'll be a pirate' or the woman who dresses like Frieda Kahlo, with hair in plaits, dark eyebrows, brightly coloured red Mexican style clothing and flared skirts? What spirits of the past are they connected with? Am I missing something here?
Maybe these people are channeling the spirits of long departed ancestors. Maybe they believe themselves to be the incarnation of Charles I or Long John Silver (though I think he was actually fictional, no matter). Strangely enough, I often wear the sort of clothes my mother would have worn and sometimes when I wear her jewelry I feel her approval, so maybe these people are only carrying this a bit further.
While cooking and cleaning and getting ready for this coming holiday I consciously welcome my ancestors into my home. My grandmothers, who I never knew, would be delighted I think to see me baking cakes, making chopped liver and kneidl for chicken soup, and getting things organised for Passover. Even though I am not in the slightest religious, I do celebrate Passover with millions of others in the coming week.
Customs are important. Traditions matter. This is part of the tribal collective memory we share. There are things we do and the rituals we observe that connect us to an energetic strength that has served us well for generations. I am pretty cynical as a rule, and as a kid I even thought the origin of my name was from the word cynical. It isn't but I'm still a great skeptic and I do still have a 'show me' attitude and yet, I do feel the hand of my mom on my shoulder as I stir my soup, mix my cakes and bake my breads. For my mother food was the real religion of the holidays. It was what brought us together and frankly, kept us coming back. My mother was a really good cook. I thank her today for passing that on.
The sun is still shining and the house smells great. Time to relax and enjoy the feeling of fullness. Oh and by the way, I am freezing some foods for my great friend who is away for Passover. We will celebrate together later, there's always time for celebration.
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