Mother's Day UK today.

In the UK Mother's Day is today - it always happens a few weeks after the start of Lent and it has been so since the 1600's.  In the USA Mother's Day is celebrated on the second Sunday in May and has been so only since 1914 when it was declared a national day to honour mother's by a presidential proclamation. Maybe you can see the problem here.

I've been living in the UK since 1970.  Almost, without fail, I would miss Mother's Day in the States.  It happened months earlier in the UK.  By the time I realised that it was Mother's Day in the US it was too late to post a card, gift or anything.  Sometimes my mum would phone me with a sad, wistful, guilt-inducing tone and mention that it was Mother's Day. Sometimes I would post a card in March but by the time May came around it had been forgotten.

This year I feel a bit of an orphan on Mother's Day. Both my children live in California and are away for the weekend in Seattle. I'm sure they've forgotten that it's Mother's Day in the UK.  The rational, intelligent woman that I am doesn't care at all, but the needy, unappreciated woman who also lives in this shell, feels a bit lonely today.  Last year my kids remembered and sent me beautiful flowers and cards and I guess remembering an obscure date in the UK, connected to a Christian celebration of 'Mothering Sunday' is a bit much to ask every year.  After all, I never managed it. I don't take it personally.

Since coming back from being with my dad I have felt very sad and very disconnected.  Going to see my dad in hospital and being on my own was hard on me.  I am still tired and feel like the sadness that I felt watching my dad get poked and prodded by all these doctors hasn't really lifted.  I'm glad that the next planned visit in early June will be with Ralph.  I need that support so much and feel it especially today.

Today I also miss my mother.  We always had a rocky, but very loving relationship.  When I was young we argued all the time.  I was not an easy kid and I know I gave my parents a hard time.  Mostly it was about me trying desperately to be independent and making some pretty lousy choices.  It was also about my mother's need to protect me and my brother.  My mum and I had some screaming fights, but somehow we always came together afterwards.  She never did know how to hold a grudge.  Our relationship took many years to resolve and didn't really heal until I was in my mid-40's.  The lowest point in our relationship was when we both had to admit that I wasn't the ideal daughter she had imagined and that she wasn't the ideal mother I had fantasized. Once we could look at each other without the illusions we began to really communicate. It wasn't until that point that we could accept that this was it, there were no other daughters or mothers waiting in the wings, and we might as well relax and just be loving towards each other.  And that is exactly what we did.  We still argued and disagreed, but somehow all the heat went out of the arguments. By the time my mother died in 1998, I felt that there were no unfinished bits of business between us.  I really loved her, she knew it and I also knew that she really, deeply loved me.

I hope that my kids feel the same with me.  I actually couldn't care less about arbitrarily proclaimed days to honour mothers, fathers, grandparents, secretaries, family dogs,or any one else.  I love my children with every fibre of my being and I believe they return those feelings, not just today, but every day.

Happy Mother's Day to all mums everywhere today.