Permission granted.

I have been writing this blog now for about three months and it's interesting that I've had really different feedback on it.  A few of my friends follow it and some of my family.  Some people are a bit disturbed that I reveal myself in this way,  feeling that if I need to write a diary I should do so secretly and 'process' my emotions in private. Others read this and I have no idea what they think.

I feel like I've spent my entire life processing things in private.  Outwardly I appear to be an open book.  I am reasonably gregarious and sociable, except during the winter months of isolation and hibernation.  In my work I have been told I am dynamic, funny and confident.  These are qualities I own and like in myself.  I also know that I keep many things secret or hidden.  Few people are aware of the depth of the depression I carry around with for so much of the time.  Yes, I can let it go sometimes and of course do let it go, at least publicly, but much of the time I do feel like there is a cloud over me and I get through it by busyness, chatter and smiling.  I've done this for as long as I can remember.

Princess Diana once gave an interview in which she talked about the state of her marriage.  She said it was difficult to have a relationship when there are three people in it.  Well, I certainly don't have three people in my marriage, but the depression and malaise that I carry with me is having a similar effect. Sometimes it is like having a third person or shadow self between me and the world. I know it's tough being married to me - I am sure of this because it's tough being me too.

I just went out for a few hours.  The sun is shining and the weather is turning warm. Our little front garden has daffoldils and crocuses in bloom and the magnolia is about to flower.   I feel so slow and lethargic - no spring in my step.  I did buy a beautiful small handbag perfect to take to a party for a great price.  Seems that no matter how depressed I feel the secondhand buying me is always poised and ready.  I talked to a few people, bought some groceries and enjoyed driving my wreck of a car.

And yet, all this stuff that I do seems diversionary. Underneath all of this, underneath the surface ok-ness, I am not too great.  I want to sleep a lot and talk less. Maybe it is just feelings being processed and the emotions of the past weeks taking longer to settle than usual. Whatever it is,it isn't common or garden SAD, unless that happens in every season and it isn't fun.

Writing this down is my way of letting myself and others know who I am and exploring what I feel.  I could do this behind closed doors, under the covers, but I choose not to .  There is nothing special about my feelings. I am special. I am talented and creative and courageous, but my feelings - well, we all have them and to diary them alone in a corner doesn't feel right.  If anything it gives those thoughts and feelings more power over me.  Revealing them, airing them, expressing them, dissipates a lot.

This may be read by others but it's my own way of meeting me.  I am loving the writing and intend to carry on for some time.  I actually feel better already!