To be or not to be...

Soon it will be Passover. For as long as I can remember, and I mean as far back as I can remember, someone in our family has hosted the Passover seder.  When I arrived in the UK in 1970 I started attending big family seders at religious relatives', and after that at my in-laws' and for the past few years I have hosted seders along with Ralph's aunt and uncle.  This year none of us has stepped forward to take on this festive evening. I am not sure how I feel about this.

Passover is a week long festival that commemorates the exodus of the Jewish people from Egypt and is about freedom and liberation. It is integral to Judaism that we tell the story of our liberation from slavery to our children and re-tell the story to generation after generation. The Seder is the occasion on which we recount this story in a prescribed manner, according to tradition and we have a dinner together as an extended family. 

There are symbolic representations on the Passover dinner table - a special plate that has things to represent our sacrifices, slavery, and eventual freedom.  A few years ago we were in Jordan during the week of Passover and we actually walked through the desert that the ancient Jews walked when they fled from Egypt.  It felt strange to be in the place we talk about year after year.  I loved being in the desert and whilst walking I was aware of the thousands of years of history and rootedness at my feet. Amazingly, I found a  small lamb bone that had been sand-washed clean by the desert and brought it home with me.  It has been on our seder plate for the past few years to represent the sacrificial shank bone that is one of the symbols of Passover.  I like this very much and it feels right that this is somehow a bit of living history from the place where it happened so many years ago.

Maybe this is part of the difficulty I am having this year. I do not have a feeling of any  particular meaning attached to hosting the Seder this year, only duty.  I don't think I can let Passover just pass over us without marking it in this traditional way and yet, I don't feel any sense of joyfulness or celebration, only reluctance and an overarching tiredness.

There is a problem in being a non-religious Jew. I am Jewish by birth, by culture, by race(?) and by choice. I have always been this and will continue to be so.  I was a disciple of Osho for 13 years and was still Jewish.  This is an immutable fact of my being.  I do not have to do anything to make this so, but I do have to connect with something deeper to nourish my soul.  And this is the problem.  I do not feel nourished by the religion of Judaism I was born into.  I believe I have to do something different to make this alive for me. I have read a lot about Buddhism, Sufism, Hinduism, Quakerism, and even Christianity.  All have some interesting and appealing things, but the point is so does Judaism and if I'm going to find meaning in my life, I might as well start where I began.

Each time a Jewish festival goes by, I question my membership of this bizarre group of chosen people.  Purim came and went this year with barely a nod and no hamantashen. Succot went by and I didn't sit in a succah and eat new fruits of the year. Shavuot passed without a slice of cheesecake.  Even Rosh Hashonah came and went without a significant marking.  These calendar dates are not what has meaning for me.  it is the community and warmth and ethical living that speaks to me and the Yiddish life that attracts me. It is speaking to my father in Yiddish and singing together with him.  It is smashing a glass and all shouting 'mazel tov' at family weddings.  It is sitting round a seder table and arguing about the meaning of the ancient tales in the Hagaddah.  It is even saying that next year we'll all just rent the Cecil B.DeMille version of 'The Ten Commandments' and let Charlton Heston explain the exodus from Egypt to our kids.

Spirituality is part of my life. It is an essential quality that I try to nurture and grow.  It comes to me in moments of beauty and times when I am chanting.  Chanting brings me to a place in myself that nourishes and fulfills my heart and eases the longing I feel for a place of rest.  Being Jewish is part of all of this.  The humour, the warmth, the willingness to keep looking for more is all part of my spiritual belief. The community and family of Jews I belong to are all, in their own way, seekers.  It is this quality of warmth and closeness that I want at my Passover seder. 

Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav (a founder of the Hasidism and a great mystic) of whom I am a great fan, said,
"Always remember: Joy is not merely incidental to your spiritual quest. It is vital".

I just spoke with my wonderful English aunt.  We decided between us that we will have a Passover seder.  We will break with tradition and do it our way, more relaxed and less formal.  We will spend time together and re-tell family tales and talk about the meaning of this festival and maybe start making some of our own traditions.  After all, being one of the 'chosen people' means that we can also choose what we do and when we do it.  It's taken many years for all of us to see that we are bound together by blood ties and religion, but we get to create what this means.  Suddenly I feel less reluctance and more anticipation.

This year Passover will of course be about matzohs, chremslach, macaroons, chicken soup and kneidlach.  It could also be a lot of fun - now that would be something to tell our kids about!