Back writing again

I can no longer wait for my crap internet provider to fix my line problem and have decided that the noise, smells, children running about and assorted chaos of Starbucks IS conducive to creativity so I will attempt to write from my hard wooden chair amidst the madness of the marketplace.  I do this because I have so missed writing this blog. I would like it to be as regular as it was originally but I cannot promise since there is only so much coffee I can drink.

In the past few weeks I have watched the passage of my life with sometimes a detached interest.  I have been to Germany, Holland and am now back home.  My dad was in hospital having broken his hip and is now in rehab. My dear friends are back from their expat retreat in Thailand, and life seems to be rolling along as  normal. And yet, I am unsettled.  Can't  really put my finger on why, does it help to know why?  Maybe it is enough to acknowledge the unsettlisation (!) I am experiencing and just go with it.  I fight this a lot and this does create conflict inside me that unsettles me even more.

I have to admit, once again, that living with uncertainty is near impossible for me.  It is like living with itching and not being able to scratch or in any way relieve the itch.  It makes me pretty crazy and doesn't take much to put me in the shaky, insecure land that uncertainty is the capital of.

I went to my GP yesterday and wanted a magic pill for my anxiety symptoms - you've all seem them - screaming, crying, panic breathing, resignation, low self-esteem, weight gain and general madness.  A whole catalogue of self-pity for which my GP tells me there is no magic pill.  Damn!  I thought that as I have been experiencing these feelings for over 45 years, they might have invented something easy, instant and successful to treat this by now.  We have sugar-free chewing gum, eggless eggs and self-repairing paint, but no instant magic bullet for  anxiety!  Not fair. Instead I was asked to go away and fill in a questionnaire.  The questions are interesting:

1. I feel tense or wound up - Most, some, or all  of the time or not at all.
I can answer yes to all three, some, most, or all of the time I feel tense, wound up, completely loopy.  Not at all is a big ask and obviously the compiler of the questions is not Jewish.

2. I have lost interest in my appearance -  Definitely; I don't take as much care as I should; I take just as much care as ever.
Answering this is easy - I take just as much care as ever, but I am fighting a losing battle.  Just as much as ever is having less and less impact.  Aging sucks!

3.  I can laugh and see the funny side of things - as much as always, not quite so much, not at all.
Easy answer for me.  I not only can see the funny side of this, but find myself laughing at the absurdity of repeating things again and again.  Without the ability to laugh about my own situation, I think I would really be institution material.  Laughter is absolutely necessary.  The writer of this question must also be Jewish!

Now, to change the subject.  A remarkable thing happened to me while I was away.  Through the miracle or Facebook, which most of the time is simply away to pass the time when I don't feel like doing anything useful. I connected to a distant cousin.  He posted his father's old pre-war family photos on his site.  Amongst the photos he casually mentioned that one of the photos was of my mother's parents, my grandparents.  I have never seen a photo of my grandparents - EVER! I have examined this old grainy black and white photo countless times and feel so grateful that I have another piece of my history to fit into the incomplete jigsaw puzzle  of my family.  It matters that I now know what my grandparents looked like and that the dark circles under my eyes are inherited and have nothing to do with how little I drink! It matters that my grandparents now have faces I can see.  Remarkable.