Yesterday was a delightful day and today the pendulum swings and my moods follow. It's still hot and sunny and I still have a thousand things to do before I go away on Friday. I don't want to do any of them.
Today I feel like a recalcitrant child and would like to stamp my feet, hold my breath, scream and cry and simply say NO very loudly to everything. What a rapid change from the way I felt yesterday. I still carry the residual feeling of the nice day I had, but I also feel annoyed and irritated with pretty much everything right now. It's good to write this stuff down. When I see this on paper in front of me it does seem very childish and ridiculous. Writing down the swing of my moods makes them change faster since I can hardly bare to read the reality of these speed bumps in my life.
Just like the speed bumps all over the roads of London that are meant to slow drivers down to a crawling pace, I have spent today at that same pace. The weather contributes to this. I melt in hot weather. I've always been so envious of fair--skinned English rose types - you know the ones - no matter how hot or humid it is, their make-up looks perfect, their hair is silky and their clothes look wrinkle-free and fresh. With me, at the first hint of heat and humidity I look like I've dipped my face into a pan of hot chip fat, my make-up slides off and my hair loses all of style or shape, while my wrinkled clothes look like I've slept in them for a week.
Today I also tried on the outfit I intend to wear to my nephew's wedding and I don't particularly like it. Oh, it looks fine, it's inoffensive and suitable, but I have this fantasy of looking dramatic and outrageous and the clothes I intend to wear have none of that. I weigh more than I would like so I feel a little bit limited in clothes. I also don't wear low cut tops since my cancer scars are not great, so the cleavage route is ruled out and the tight bias cut dresses that look so effortless summery, make me look like a salami tied in the middle.
Family weddings, bar mitzvahs and parties are amazingly fraught for me. When I look back at photos of myself I see a woman who never weighs the same two years running and certainly has an eclectic style. My clothes for 14 years were all shades of orange or red, since I followed a guru whose followers all wore the colours that Eastern disciples traditionally wear. For one particular wedding this meant that I wore a glamorous orange gown, probably the only time I wore something that flamboyant. Mostly I wear something low key and safe. Mostly I wear black.
Maybe I'll go out shopping again tomorrow; maybe I'll find something I like more than the clothes I already have. I was just reminded that I go through the same pre-wedding anxieties every time. It is a tad boring by now and the reality is that I usually look fine. I also just found out that it's going to be really hot in Ohio at this coming wedding. Great, I can't wait.
No comments:
Post a Comment