God bless my women friends...

This morning I had a long, very comforting telephone conversation with a distant friend.  she commiserated with me over my weight gain, she commiserated with me over my depressions, anxieties and doubts and she commiserated with me over my general malaise.  This was a wonderful gift.  Sometimes all that's needed is someone who understands, has been on a similar journey and knows that no real advice is necessary.  All that was needed in that moment was for her to be alongside me and put a compassionate, distant arm around me.

Over the last years I have come to value this more and more.  I am a big advice giver.  Come to me with a problem and I will try and find an answer for you.  Actually, it is more likely I will try and find you the answer that I think might work for me if I was in a similar situation and I think that's often the problem.  The answers we find for others are often the solutions we think might work for us if we experienced the same thing - they are not necessarily what the other person needs or wants. Sometimes what is needed is just to be listened to and given time and space to express our feelings.  This need to fix things is not unique to me,or even a womens thing.  It is part of the quick fix world we live in. I used to think this was a female trait - to try and fix everything - but I think it's more about thinking we know what's right for someone else, or at least that's what it is for me.

The urge to give advice is very strong.  If I see my loved ones in pain or strife all I really want to do is make it go away, to kiss it better. Actually, if I were only to kiss it better that would probably be fine,  but I want to make it better and make it better fast! I find myself formulating possible solutions and advice even before the person with me has finished speaking.  It really is all about listening and listening for what is needed.  It's what I usually need and I expect it's what my friends need too.  We are all pretty self-aware and if we are looking for an answer we are able ask for it directly.

When I had breast cancer so many years ago I decided to follow the treatment prescribed by my doctors. I went to my surgeon friend for second opinions and took the standard allopathic course of action. Eighteen years later I still remember how much unasked for advice I was given:  try acupuncture, coffee enemas, cut out all non-organic foods, go on the Bristol Diet, see a homeopath, use visualisation exercises, spiritual healing, naturopathy, shiatsu, reiki, Chinese herbs, leave your husband and family and go on a retreat and so much more.  I particularly recall the advice of a woman I thought was a close friend.  She insisted that I should not have surgery but should heal the tumour with something called Tibetan Pulsing, a form of energy healing.  Not only was she insistent that this was the one thing that would heal me, but when I chose not to take her advice she never spoke to me again!  All I really wanted was a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen.

When I was a teenager I never had many women friends and used to have a hard time with women.  I somehow felt too exposed and raw with other women.  It was always easier for me to make friends with men.  With men I could be flirtatious and use all my well-honed powers of manipulation and seduction to get my way or hide behind.  It wasn't till I was older and had spent a lot of hours, even years, confronting myself and discovering a lot about my own identity that I was able to become close to women as friends and now I feel the strength that we give each other as women is as vital as the air I breathe.  It is a sadness for me that some of my closest friends are far away, but telephones and e-mails make closeness easier. 

So this morning's phone call was a real blessing - I needed to vent for a while and this is what my girlfriend gave me - the space to just talk (and boy, can I talk).  Maybe I wasn't as receptive to listening to her side of the conversation as I could have been but I made a pretty good effort and the end result was I got up, showered, got dressed, put on my make-up and went out for a while to face the world.  I took with me a sense of being hugged by my friend and heard and it was just what I needed. I will try and remember this the next time my daughter calls and tells me what a dreadful day she's had. I will bite my tongue and not say "what you need to do is..." I will just listen with a loving heart.  She knows enough to ask if she needs advice!

I am so grateful to have strong, dynamic women as friends.  I like to think we all reflect the best in each other.