Just an ordinary day.

Every time I sit down to write my blog entry I feel an insane sort of unjustified pressure to write something meaningful. It says a lot about my life that I believe most of it is meaningless.  Of course, there are moments when I believe I am hovering very, very close to the precipice of enlightenment, times when things seem to have so much meaning and so much quiet perfection that it almost hurts. It's these precious times that I am remembering to notice and when I do stop and remember I see that they are actually very small ordinary events that provoke these feelings. It is not the big occasions or the major crises that cause me to feel certain that there is more in this world and maybe another, that I am aware of.

Today was just such a quiet, uneventful day.  Unfortunately I have come near to the end ot it without reaching a more enlightened frame of mind.  What I did reach today was a point when I felt and looked good.  This sounds unimportant and in the overall meaning of life, it probably is, but for me to sail through the day, meeting new people, shopping for clothes, and generally being out in the world whilst feeling so relaxed and confident is really unusual.

I loved being me today.  Why?  If I could define the why then maybe I could do the same thing every day and carry on feeling this good.  I have not lost one single ounce on my new healthy eating regime.  I blame this on the massive amounts of cheesecake I poured down my throat at the weekend, but maybe giving myself such total permission was also part of why I feel so good.  I never once felt guilty or blamed myself for eating forbidden foods.  It was always part of my birthday treat and therefore all permissions were granted.  I am also looking tanned and fit.  This is totally bottle-created.  I used to  love to sit in the sun and bake.  I would oil myself up with any tanning oil with factor 0 and lie out in the sun turning every few minutes just like a rotisserie chicken.  I would happily tan to a dark mahogany colour.  when I was younger I would be outside at the first sign of the sun's rays.  At least now I stop at a nice golden glaze and it's out of a bottle.  A great benefit to me of having this light tan is the dark circles under my eyes are less noticeable.

Wow, did you notice what just happened?  No sooner did I say out loud that I was feeling good that I started in on the self-criticism.  I am such a maroon!  Stop it!  I feel fine, just enjoy it.  I bought wonderful new clothes - out of character and a little more out there than usual.  I bought soft new bedsheets and even a brand new frying pan.  How little it takes to make me happy. 

I also stopped by Ralph's school today to see his students' end of year work.  Impressive.  His students are talented and creative and, as I've said  before, he is a wonderful teacher.  it was so sweet to go to his school.  He introduced me to his colleagues and some of the students and I felt he was really proud to show me off and pleased to have me there. 

I stopped on the way home and got some great sushi for dinner and we are quietly sitting here having our daily post-mortem.  I am a lucky woman to have such companionship and love in my life all day and every day.  Today I managed to remember that more often than usual.  I think that's why I felt so good.  I felt enveloped in love.