Today in an early evening workshop/mini-retreat with Krishna Das I found myself laughing out loud in recognition of some of the wisdom he was passing on. He talked a lot today about how we identify with everything and attach to everything in our lives and how this gets in our own way. We see everything through our own mirrors and filters. So far, so good, nothing new to me there. He then went on to describe a normal day - we wake up in the morning and immediately begin to write, direct, produce and star in 'The Movie of Me'. We carry on with this major story production all day and then begin again the next day and so on and so on. And then (and this is the bit that had me laughing) we are are own worst reviewers and critics!
The theme of today's workshop, if there was a theme beyond KD's desire to talk and our willingness to listen, was losing ourselves in love and the place to begin and end was with the self. I liked this very much. KD talked, answered questions, we chanted a bit and generally filled the yoga studio with harmonious sound. I came away much clearer about the path I seem to find myself on. It's not a new path, I've been walking this path for many years, but sometimes I forget the direction I was going in and take a precarious detour. Chanting is right for me. It's a way for me to connect with my loving heart. The heart that I know is the essence of me and is much, much bigger than me, if this makes sense. Sometimes I feel such a sense of longing that I feel like my heart will burst, but this is such a beautiful feeling that I really cannot explain it, except to say, that as KD said today, when I asked him about this, this longing is an incredible gift and is helping me to see my true self.
The workshop ended a short while ago and I walked to the tube station to come home. The train was filled with late night shoppers and a young woman walked through our train car begging. She had a tattered paper cup and some implausible story about needing money for a meal before she went to a night shelter. She looked absolutely terrible. She was pale and very spotty and dirty. I noticed all this as she passed me by and I pretended, like everyone else, not to see her. As I let her pass I suddenly felt an enormous welling up of compassion, quite unlike me. I got up from my seat, followed her to the end of the car and pressed £10 into her hands. I told her that I didn't really care if she bought drugs with the money but maybe she could buy herself a bit of food, too. She barely looked at me, mumbled thanks and got off the train. I have NEVER done this before. I NEVER give to beggars and get quite indignant at the number of beggars in London, but suddenly this evening, I realised that it wasn't about me, or even about the number of beggars, it was about this young woman and a sudden moment of empathy. I did not have a warm and fuzzy feeling because I was being a do-gooder. I had a sense of rightness that was and is quite inexplicable.
All things considered, it's been a good day. Very rich and filled with peace and some old friends. Now I am happy to be home. I am very pleased to be in my movie today. Expect the critics to give today a five star review.
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