Tuesday evening, the days are long and, at the moment, quite sunny. Walking up the stairs from the tube station tonight I was relaxed and satisfied after a good day at work. I enjoy my training days (mostly) and enjoy the end of the day in the summer. I was happily walking along when I suddenly realised that it's June 15th. No big deal, you might think, but June 15th is six days away from the Summer Solstice and this fills me with anticipatory dread.
The Summer Solstice is the day when we have the most daylight of the year and after that the days start to get shorter. This is the cause of my dread. As far as I am concerned part of me is already living in the oncoming shorter days and winter darkness. Boy, talk about not living in the present!
I am not so good at living in the moment. I am someone who is always waiting for the axe to drop. Pessimism is the order of the day. I think I would like to change this, but obviously I haven't done in all the years of meditation, group work and therapy. It must fulfill some strange need in me to be so doom-laden.
I am totally and completely exhausted tonight. Though I had a good day at work I find that getting up at 5.30 am and getting home at 6pm is pretty tiring. My training means that I am completely and totally 'on' for the whole day. The only break I give myself is thirty minutes at lunch when I try and find a quiet space for me. So tonight, this means I have little to say and less inclination to say it.
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