It is a challenge to live with the same man and still keep love alive for almost half a century. I can hardly remember a time in my life when Ralph was not there. Certainly all my growing up and maturing into an adult happened with him. It has not always been easy, but is has always been worthwhile.
So what is the secret of loving someone for so long and being able to live with him? Is there a secret? No, there isn't. It is both simple and incredibly complicated and you have to start off with an enormous reserve of love for it to carry through the days when lust has turned from a raging flame to a nice slow burn.
My old friend and teacher, Frank Natale wrote a book called 'Mastering Alive Relationships' in which he outlined 20 qualities needed in a genuine alive and healthy relationship. I believe that amongst these are the foundation stones of relating well. They are:
Responsibility, the Choice to Think; Service and Acknowledgement; Affinity and Trust; Effective Communication; Self Esteem; Honorable Sexuality; Healing; Forgiveness; Laughter; Humor and Playfulness; Relatedness; and Love.
I am not going to go into every one of these qualities (read the book, still available on Amazon) but I would like to expand on a few.
First, Responsibility - in relating to another person with respect and love it is absolutely necessary for both be responsible. The ability to respond openly and with integrity is such a fundamental part of any relationship that it almost seems obvious, but it is about seeing your part, your own feelings and your own actions as separate from those of your partner. Some of the most frustrating arguments we have had has boiled down to an unwillingness to take responsibility for our own feelings. 'Why can't you do it my way?' How come you don't see things the way I do?' 'What do you mean you feel differently to me?' Responsibility for me is about reminding myself that I don't own another person and that they are not me and therefore will respond differently to me.
Next, Service and Acknowledgement - contrary to the scorecard mentality so prevalent today, service is not about being someone's servant. It is about being alongside and with the one you love. I work on this a lot and sometimes get it right and sometimes I completely miss the mark. Remembering, after so many years to recognise and acknowledge each other for what we bring is so important and if overlooked, leads to that taken for granted feeling that I'm sure both Ralph and I have experienced.
Healing is another quality of my long relationship that has proved so necessary to its continuing. We both have hurts in our lives, sometimes ones we have caused the other and sometimes ones that fate has heaped on us. The willingness to heal, to cry and laugh and hold each other, even when it is raw and painful, has so helped us to carry on. Instead of painful experiences tearing us apart, because we have both been courageous together, they have brought us closer. Sometimes it has felt like a close run thing.
Even though the other qualities are important I will end on the ultimate, the one that overarches everything else - Love. I was blessed to meet a man i instantly fell in love with in a deep and frightening way. I didn't understand the strength of the feelings at the time and I am thankful that I trusted those feelings without real understanding. Love has seen us through world wars of emotion. Love has seem us through catastrophic times. Love in my relationship is beyond choice. I am committed to being here. That commitment has meant that when we are nose to nose screaming at each other, behind it, underneath it and all around us is that love. That has never been in doubt.
Am I an expert in long term relationships. I would have to say no. I am simply someone who loves and is loved by a wonderful crazy man and in turn, I return those feelings. It has not always been easy, but it has always been exciting and a grand adventure.
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