Gratitude. Compassion, Forgiveness and other concepts...

The world I inhabit lately seems to be filled with new buzz words.  Whereas in the past we chattered about feelings, emotions, honestly, openness and resolution; we now seem to be very busy with gratitude, compassion, forgiveness and acceptance.

This is a step in the evolutionary change in humanity, or at least the slice of humanity I move amongst. I also believe it is to do with aging.  When I was younger I was fiercely and actively concerned with expressing my feelings, with sorting out my emotions and clearing my resentments.  The catharsis I experienced in doing this was healing, cleansing and very necessary. Now I am much more relaxed about the outward expression of old wounds and see that it is not always about screaming, shouting and letting go in the way I did when I was younger.

This is not to say that I don't still carry my share of anger.  Indeed, I think that we and I include myself, all live in an increasingly short-tempered world.  I for certain, am quicker to shout at the bad driver, to drum my fingers in impatience at the too-long queue at the  Post Office or the idiot on the end of the phone at the call centre.  Everyone is a bit snappier and a bit angrier now.  This is partly because I think life is harder than before and we are not very kind to each other.

I would like to age gracefully and to bring kindness and forgiveness into my life.  I accidentally watched another TV programme today about Nazi Germany. I try to avoid these but living in England it is almost impossible not to come across television programmes about WWII.  We seem to be obsessed with not letting go of any of the hatred and mistrust of present-day Germany by examining and re-examining the past.  Watching today's one hour show brought me back to my feelings of distress and sadness around this.  Not good.  I also learned something that made me think again about how I define the past.

I learned more about the evacuation of the the Danish Jews to Sweden.  I had always known that the Danes would not allow their Jewish population to be marked as Jews and separated from the rest of Denmark, but I also found out that on the night of the largest round-up of Jews,  the Chief Rabbi of Denmark had been warned in advance by German officials to make sure that the Jews were not in their homes.  Through the efforts of many Danish people virtually the entire Jewish population of Denmark was evacuated to Sweden where they lived out the rest of the war.  The involvement of the Gestapo based in Denmark was new information and it's good for me to hear these stories and to again put together a new history.

Bernie Glassman, a Zen Buddhist Roshi in the US, takes groups of  people to Auschwitz, not for a day or an afternoon, but for days.  The multi-national, multi-faith groups stay near the environment of the camp and spend time in retreat, in meditation and in conversation with each other and themselves. Glassman began these 'bearing witness retreats' 15 years ago when he felt strongly that there was such a need for remembering, healing and forgiveness for the millions of souls affected by the darkness of Auschwitz.  I am strongly attracted to this in theory, but am equally afraid of encountering something very dark and deep in myself that does not forgive.

It is this unwillingness to forgive that is a core kernel of unresolved pain in myself.  I know it is there and I know that it leeches its pain and fear into me and yet, I do not let it go. I am working on it and I feel that bit by bit, this knot is untangling, like a very fine chain that you work at and work at until eventually it is whole.

There are still things in my life that I cannot (or will not) forgive god for - assuming that I believed in such a thing.  I cannot yet forgive the death of my son and it saddens me to admit this, I cannot yet forgive the dreadful horrors that my parents went through, and yet, I know, that by not forgiving, by not moving forward and allowing healing, I am still causing myself to hurt.

I am not an enlightened being.  I have not transcended the need to defend my family from harm, or wishing to attack those who attack my loved ones.  I am enlightened enough to bring soothing to these areas.  I am beginning to bring compassion and kindness to myself and I am actively trying to bring a loving heart to those around me.  I am eternally grateful for who I am, where I am and all those who have helped me to get here.

This was not the case when I was younger.  Then I was a firebrand, a hothead and a rabble- rouser.  I was a fiery young woman and I like to think that that young woman is still with me but is wiser and slower to react.  I bring a greater thoughtfulness to my life and I am working on forgiveness.  Because I need to heal I have faith that I will arrive where I need to.