I am thinking this morning about how difficult it sometimes is to find words to express my true feelings. I search and search for the right word, the right phrase, the right sentence that will let me express what my inner thoughts are. I also see that my choice of expression is not just a solitary thing, it is just important for me. There are some folks out there in the internet ozone that seem to read this and I am certain that part of the way I write is so that through truly expressing myself, I can also connect with others. This connection is very important to me and is often surprisingly illusive. The feelings I have are clear and I can experience them both in my head and in my body, but the expression of those feelings in words is frustratingly fragile.
I used to think that everyone had a hidden artist somewhere inside them. This is a bit like all good singers believing everyone can sing and all great writers believing we can all write. I now believe that, yes, we can all sing and paint and draw and write, but some of us do it very badly indeed and it is this fact which often stops us from pursuing creativity.
I rarely watch performance-related reality TV - you know the stuff - America's Got Talent, X Factor, Search for a Star, but when I do catch a cringe-inducing glimpse of these shows I am struck by how very bad some of the contestants are. Not just mediocre, but ear-splittingly, embarrassingly, horrifyingly awful. Do these people not have friends or parents to tell them the truth? Have we reached such a point in our caring, sharing society that we can no longer tell talentless individuals that the path they're pursuing is perhaps not the one for them? Whose feelings are we really concerned with?
This is how I sometimes feel about this writing I do daily. Is there somewhere an English language teacher from my past sitting there with a red pencil and marking me down for split infinitives (?), dangling participles, wrong use of adverbs and other major mistakes? Am I just a deluded reality contestant hoping to achieve fame with little talent? As far as writing is concerned, I'm not sure. I know I can express myself clearly. I can get my point across and as long as I don't stop listening to the voice in my head, I will come across fairly reasonably. By the way, for those of you worried about the hereditary aspect of hearing voices or seeing things, the voice in my head is only there sometimes. I've not yet reached the point where I can live alone and have wonderful cocktail party chat and girly gossip sessions with that voice. I'll let you know when that happens!
So, back to my Brand Me. This has been a more serious task than I first mooted. I thought it would be a jokey little bit of blog that I could just dismiss the next day, but it has turned out otherwise. Against all my superstitious beliefs I think I will try and carry on lauding my own achievements. Maybe at the end of this process I will have the basis of a profile of me that feels correct, complete and true.
Today the subject will be lifetime achievements:
I had the best penmanship in my year and then in my entire primary school.
I learned to read Yiddish in summer camp when I was 11.
I was in an accelerated education program for gifted kids as a child and went to university when I was 16.
I designed all the costumes for my university production of Midsummer Night's Dream when I was 18.
I traveled on my own through Israel, Greece and Europe when I was 19.
I was married at 20 and moved from the US to the UK.
I became a mother at 21.
I trained as a group leader in Encounter and other therapeutic techniques with Denny Yuson from the time I was 23.
I became a sannyassin of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh in 1974 and travelled to India to see him in 1978.
I graduated from the University of Westminster with a post-graduate degree in Personnel, Training and Development whilst working for a Local Authority and being a full-time mum.
I became a mother again, and following the death of my son, gave birth again to a second wonderful son.
I established my Training and Development Management Consultancy in 1985 which has been in successful existence ever since.
I was one of only two White training consultants working in a team of 12 trainers on a pilot anti-racism training project for the Inner London Probation Service.
I designed and developed the Equalities Training programme for the Bedfordshire Probation Service.
I designed and mounted an exhibition to celebrate the Golden Jubilee of Southgate District Synagogue.
I delivered the keynote address at the first Holocaust Memorial Day in Southgate Synagogue.
I did a bungee jump of over 120mtrs.
I had breast cancer, a full mastectomy and have now been cancer-free and fine for 18 years.
I was interviewed about my work for both the Times and Ham and High newspapers.
I appeared as a contestant on a TV showcalled 'Ready, Steady, Cook'.
I had 14 hours of major spinal surgery, lived in a brace for six months and fully recovered, better than ever.
I organised and chaired the first conference on Equalities and Valuing Diversity for the London Borough of Barnet.
I created the 'Love Your Hair' project for women undergoing chemotherapy to have free hair treatments and haircuts and enlisted the support and involvement of 28 top London hair salons.
I have organised and given a number of wonderful large celebrations over the past few years.
I bake fantastic cheesecake.
I designed and deliver the Equalities training for Transport for London, so far having trained over 4000 people.
I have an Honorary Doctorate Degree from the Humaniversity, Holland.
I helped write and had input into the new web site for the Humaniversity.
I have been married for over 40 years and still adore the crazy man I am married to.
I am not depressed!
Whew... that's enough. I can hardly bear to write this stuff -it feels both important and trivial. I am also a good friend to many and that feels most important. I've raised wonderful, wonderful kids and that feels important. I love and respect my brother and love my extended family and that's quite an achievement. The list is endless and yet, feels unfinished and unsatisfying. I have yet to create my 'Opus', to write the definitive work or paint the masterpiece and suddenly I feel like I am running out of time.
I have to hurry up - there is still much to do.
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