Living in limbo

I travel alot.  My family lives in America, my friends all over the world and i also like travelling and seeing new places.  Yesterday I was in Denver airport, watching people in cowboy hats, women in bizarrely bright coloured clothing and lots of huge fat bellied men (and women).  I realised that I could stop and look at whoever and whatever I wanted.  I was alone and had no one I needed to turn to for permission, or turn to in conversation. 

I suddenly had an overwhelming sense of aloneness and an unreal sense of non-existence.  If I spoke to no one, interacted with people as little as possible, I realised I felt as if I wasn't really there.  Odd feeling, that.  It extends into today. 

Suddenly I feel like none of this matters.  All the travel, seeing family, shopping - it all feels a bit empty.  I feel suffused with feelings that I have no real outlet for.  When I'm home with Ralph I can really talk with him.  I get feedback from him and get to clarify a lot through our conversations.  For the past weeks I have felt like I've spoken a lot of words but said very little.  This is unsettling.

I saw my father this morning and I found that so, so sad.  He looks more frail than he did a few months ago and he really is not reachable anymore.  He either stares expresssionlessly out into the distance or he babbles in a mixture of Yiddish and English.  I didn't expect that he would knw me and he didn't.  I don't think he even knew I was there at all.  Even though I told myself I was prepared for that, it still made me unbearably sad.  I just kept looking at this frail, old man in a wheelchair and remembered the strong, vital dad he used to be.  For my own sake I need to let go of the old image for the next few days.  It gets me nowhere.

I'll go back and see him again this afternoon.  I told him I loved him and I did get a response. He said 'Me too", that was enough.