Self-examination

Over 18 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Since then, for over 15 years I diligently checked for any suspicious lumps or breast changes.  At least once a month I would check while in the shower and get familiar with what was normal and what felt odd.  Thankfully I never found any further problems.  The cancer, once removed, never returned anywhere else.

Today in the shower I realised that I hadn't done this meticulous checking for at least six months, if not more.  I'd forgotten all about the cancer.  I had forgotten that it might ever return since it was such an old memory.  Is this a good thing? I think it probably is.  I no longer identify myself as a 'survivor' of cancer. I no longer live with the expectation that bad things always happen to me and that the cancer will come back.

I find this strange and pleasing since I do live with a daily reminder of cancer.  I have one breast and a large scar across my chest where the cancerous one used to be. This is me now.  when I look in the mirror I have to remind myself to see myself as a one-breasted woman.  I am just the way I'm supposed to be and that makes me very happy.

There are some down sides to having one breast and one of these is having to wear a prosthesis during my public hours.  Cleavage is not an option if I value the symmetrical. I can have one sided cleavage, but that looks very strange.  Low-cut tops are out too, they show some of my scarring and even if I don't care anymore, it does tend to make others a little uncomfortable.
  
Maybe these things are benefits.  As I get older and see my friends aging, I can also see that wrinkly cleavage is not so beautiful.  Because we have breasts doesn't mean that after a certain point in our lives we should expose them to public scrutiny.

I have debated having a small tattoo where the breast used to be, but most of the friends (and my husband) that I have run this by don't like the idea at all.  Why not I say?  It's not like the world would see it, but I still haven't come up with the perfect tattoo and other than having a breast tattooed in the space where it used to be, I have not been inspired. I would welcome any realistic or otherwise suggestions.

Not worrying about my health is a very good thing.  I always describe myself as a knowledgeable, educated hypochondriac.  I know a little about lots of illnesses and yet I am not a hysteric.  I never imagine that I might have something dreadful.  I do worry about my family.  When my son or daughter coughs it sends me crazy.  I can imagine all sorts of asthma attacks, bronchitis, pneumonia, you name it, they've got it.  This is not hypochondria, this is part and parcel of the Jewish mother's job  description.

Noticing that I am beginning to take my hale and hearty make-up for granted is great.  Not checking for bumps, lumps, growths and sickness is real progress.  I used to be someone who rarely got colds, but often had major surgery.  Today, I am healthy. 

You see what progress I have made.  I can say that I am healthy without touching anything wood, crossing my fingers or whispering so no one hears.  Not only do I feel good today, I am not feeling particularly superstitious.  I know that stating things out loud does not tempt fate, and even if it did (just in case) I'm feeling lucky today.