Allowing my mind to wander...

On this cold Monday morning I decided that rather than decide what to write about, I would simply let me my mind wander wherever my thoughts and feelings take me. This may be quite dangerous in that I expect that , as is it's want, my mind will take me to a negative space even though there is nothing particularly wrong today and the sun is even shining.

I woke up feeling an overwhelming sense of 'leave me alone'.  This doesn't mean what it sounds like and that's often confusing for me and very confusing for Ralph.  My 'leave me alone' is an automatic response to not wanting to face the day.  I feel like I have a long list of things to do and no, absolutely no, motivation to do anything.  When I say anything, I mean absolutely anything, even showering seems like too much effort.  I push myself into the shower, get made-up and get dressed.  Now what? My house needs cleaning.  No way today! I need to write up work notes for next week, but that's next week and is not calling to me with enough desperation today.  Ironing is piling up, but a little more on the pile won't make that much difference.  The only thing I can do, if you can call it doing, is to watch really bad daytime TV.  To me this is the equivalent of being buried alive.

I have come to see over the past year that as the days get shorter I don't necessarily get depressed.  I think I have that more under control than I used to, but I do get completely lethargic.  It's good that I have to go out of the house to work.  It makes me participate in the world more than I am inclined to do in winter.  It's good that I socialise with friends since actually I am tempted to pull up the drawbridge and see no one until March or April.

I also realise that I am ashamed of this part of me.  It feels like a deep secret that I am such a sloth.  Maybe it isn't so hidden.  Anyone who really knows me will have seen the signs of this, but I still try and hide this from others.  Ralph and I guess my kids are the only people who are really allowed to see the less acceptable parts of me.  To so many others I probably seem in control and together.

I am also in contol and together.  My friend Veeresh wrote a poem many years ago called 'Also'. This described the concept of accepting the 'also' part of ourselves.  I messed up, also, I am a good person, also, I can't do this, also.  It is not the only side, the only part and yet it is so easy to get caught up in the darker part of myself.  As the days get shorter and the winter begins to bite I see that I forget the'also' and get caught up in 'only'. 

I am not only a slothful slob.  I am not only a de-motivated mess.  I am not only unable to keep my house clean.  I am also beautiful and talented and I am also a good friend, a good wife, a good mother and I am also allowed to waver from those things without punishing myself with feelings of guilt and worthlessness. sometimes, just sometimes, I am also allowed to do absolutely nothing and feel free and easy whilst doing it.