I continue to lie in my warm bed, it's dark outside and the heating hasn't come on yet so the room is decidedly chilly. The work I have to do is whirling round and round in my head. I plan the changes I need to make to documents, the case studies I need to write and the information I need to compile. I go through this plan at least twice and hope that I will fall asleep again for a few more hours. I also remember that today is the day my internet provider changes. This means that there will be (I have been promised!) a seamless change from one company to another with perhaps a few hours of interrupted service.
I am out of bed like a shot. I cannot rely on having the internet ever again and this work needs to be sent off to my client as soon as possible.
So, here I am, at 7 am, work finished, internet supposedly working for another few hours and I have a profound sense of relief that this long-promised work is finally done. How easy was that? I have spent a couple of weeks obsessing about this work. I put it off and put it off because I really didn't feel excited by doing this and now - simple as that - it's done!
Being a responsible adult is easy. It involves doing the things you promise. This is not so easy for me. My default position in life is one of excuses and delay. 'I'll clean my clothes up tomorrow, I'll return my library books tomorrow, I'll phone to renew my insurance tomorrow', etc., etc. I am a procrastinator par excellence.
For over 61 years this has worked fine for me. I give the impression to the outside world of being capable and responsible, but in reality I want to do absolutely and totally nothing. I manage to get by by doing as little as possible. When I was a student I would always adopt the position of doing what was needed to get reasonably good grades. I was never willing to put in the hard slog or even a bit more work to get the best grades. Good was always fine, great was not needed. Especially if there was any effort involved.
How would my life look if I stopped being so lazy? Would I be extraordinary instead of pretty good? Would I 'fulfill my potential' finally? Would I be any happier? I think I might be. the more thought I put into this the more I believe that I frustrate myself by not being the best I can be. It's not about doing more. I do a lot, it's about being a more committed person. Commitment to myself is what I mean, not to others. I let myself down a lot. I leave things to the last minute and then only do the minimum. I coast along through life by being good enough, fit for purpose.
I also suddenly see the down side to changing this. If I really try, if I put myself out there and work hard or commit myself totally to something, I might fail. I might not be able to achieve the things I imagine. If I never try hard, I never risk much and I don't fail in such a big way. No risk, no humiliation. This fear has been with me for as long as I can remember. Even as a little kid I hated failure and I think somewhere along the way I decided to never be seen to care that much. Being fine was fine, being spectacular was much more frightening. Maybe it's time to let that go?
I know have the possibility of greatness. This sounds awfully grandiose and I don't mean it in that way. I mean greatness of heart, greatness of spirit and generosity of self. This is exciting. It conjures up images of creativity and spirituality in a more complete way than I normally allow.
This morning I feel inspired by being responsible - responding to myself and the person I am deep down under the TV watching lazy person I also am. Now if I could only resist the urge to go back to sleep for the next four months of so I might be able to begin.
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