Pleasing myself...

Today has been a day of solitary pleasures and a bit of idleness.  I had no work and no pressing engagements for the day.  Ralph went off to work at 8am and won't be back till late evening.  Suddenly I was faced with hours and hours of aloneness.

I decided early on that I had no desire to go out today.  I  felt a bit slow and aimless and was finding the motivation to get a daily dose of daylight pretty hard to muster.  There actually was hardly any daylight today since the cloud cover barely lifted.  The idea of getting all winterised with boots, scarf, gloves, hat, sweater, etc. did not appeal at all so I made a conscious decision to stay home.  Having made that decision I got out of bed early, dressed and put on full make-up. How funny to do this even though I wasn't seeing anyone.  I think it comes from a need to not frighten myself as I pass a mirror.  I like the way I look with all my paint on, it's that simple. I planned a day of sewing, knitting and baking.  In other words, a good day.

At some point this afternoon I realised I was missing contact  with people.  I could have picked up the phone and had a conversation with someone but I felt I had nothing to say and making small talk did not appeal.  I started to wonder what my life would look like if I was completely on my own.  Don't get me wrong, I love being in the relationship I have, I wouldn't have it any other way, but very occasionally I wonder what my life would be like if I only had me to consult about my decisions.

What would my home look like if I didn't have to consult with the uber-designer I live with?  I think it would be far more decorated.  There would be more colour and print and craft.  I believe that I temper my own style according to the style of my partner, but I'm not sure  any more whether that's true.  I know I would not have white bed sheets and white towels.  I would not have white dishes and white coffee mugs.  There would be print and colour, but it's not that important. After so long being tasteful I don't really know another way.

I would not cook much for myself.  Today I ate some rice crackers and smoked salmon, three apples, a handful of baby carrots, one tiny chocolate and a baked sweet potato.  Lots of orange foods I notice as I list them! I did bake two gorgeous fruit and nut cakes, but they're gifts and not for eating here. I would definitely not cook real meals and certainly not every day.  Living with someone means I eat healthier and more consistently.

I think I would fall into depression more readily if I lived alone.  I have, as others may have noticed, a tendency to do this in the winter and  the presence of someone else, and particularly someone else who loves me, keeps me more balanced.  It would be very easy to go off on my own and spend whole days in bed and watching TV. Incredibly tempting.

I sometimes ask myself whether I would return to the States if I was on my own.  It used to be a simple question to answer.  Of course.  Now, I'm not so sure.  The pull of having my children across the ocean is tremendous, but I no longer feel American.  I can't abide the political mess the country is in though I feel equally enraged about the state of UK politics.  My friends are scattered all over the world and I can't think of one place I feel connected to, except for London.  Now that's a bit of a surprise.

Maybe if I was on my own I would have face lifts, tummy tucks, liposuction,  botox and other plastic surgery procedures.  You know what, I wouldn't do that.  I like the way I'm aging.  I've earned all my lines and wrinkles and intend to cultivate many, many more. Whether I was alone or in a relationship I would still want to look like me.

So all this self-indulgent nonsense from having 16 aimless hours on my own.  It's actually a luxury and now that it's almost over, I want more alone time.  There is no pleasing some people, but there's always tomorrow.