As the days slip by...

Today in the UK it's Holocaust Memorial Day.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of the birth of my son, Ben, who would have been 27.  Both of these days are ones that have particfular meaning and resonance for me and yet, I almost forgot all about them.  If it hadn't been for a small article in the newspaper about some Holocaust survivors, I would not have had reason to look at the calendar.  I am working more than usual right now and just seem to eat, sleep and work without taking much notice of things around me.

I was a  bit taken aback by having forgotten that it would have been Ben's birthday tomorrow.  I can't imagine what he would have been like if he'd grown into a 28 year old man, but I do remember the moment of giving birth to him, this early-arriving, wrinkly tiny scrap of a man.  I can remember the first days of Ben's life and the adjustments we had to make to having a baby around again.  I can remember the next 16 or so months when Ben was in our lives and I can clearly remember the moment he fell ill and the final few days of his life.

More importantly than the events and dates of my son's life I remember how much love there was for him and from him and how much that love permeated everything and carried us through the moments, days, weeks, months and even years of healing we needed after his death.  Is it so important to remember the moment or day of his birth?  I don't think so, I think what caused me to be startled for a moment was that the date was tomorrow and seems to have sneaked up on me.  Hard to explain this.  It's as if he was never really born and never really died, he just visited for a time to bring us heartfuls of love.  Sounds sort of silly, but nonetheless it feels true.  I learned so much from my baby son and I think that everyone around me benefitted from that learning. The date of Ben's birth seems like a physical body memory that its almost irrelevant now, just a day on the revolving calendar.

Holocaust Memorial Day today is another date that actually took me by surprise.  How did it happen that it is today and I knew nothing about it?  Living in England I am often acutely aware of the small number of Jews here and the even smaller number of living Holocaust survivors.  I so closely identify with the survivor population that seeing that today was the memorial and I was not doing anything or involved in anything feels a bit wrong.  It's as if there is a party going on and I am closely related to the guest of honour and I haven't been invited.  Wow, even in writing that I see how wrong that is, but it is a little bit how I feel.

I recognise that I am a bit disappointed in myself for not having done something more pro-active, for not having offered to get involved in speaking to local schools or having written something about my parents and their experiences.  It is important that this date is marked and to see that I let my daily life take over things I want to be more aware of, is a disappointment.  I will mention some of this at work tomorrow and bring it back to why remembering the past is relevant to living in the present.

I actually believe that all these dates are arbitrary.  The day my son was born was not the expected date.  It was five weeks earlier than planned for.  The date chosen for UK Holocaust Memorial Day was, after much discussion, the anniversary of the date on which Auschwitz was liberated.  There are many events happening in London and around the UK today and for the next few weeks.  If I wish to get involved, I can.  For me, my physical involvement is not the point.  The point for me is to remember and to live a better life because of those memories.  Memories can be painful and torturing or they can be life enhancing.  I choose my memories to inform my life in a positive way.  I choose to take away from the 16 months of my son's life the overwhelming wonder of love that accompanied him on his short visit here.  My parents' legacy is one of love and strength and resilience and pure spirit that allowed them both to first survive, and then to live and, I believe, to live well.

So today I will light a candle to these two events and to the lives of those I loved and still love. It is good today to remember again.