Uninvited guest...

Last year it was oh so simple.  I wrote all about my misery, my depression and my feelings of hopelessness.  As a result of that I had lots and lots to say and proceeded to say it in thousands of words.  This year I suddenly find myself almost wordless.

It is a revelation to spend the winter undepressed.  I have watched for it, waited and looked over my shoulder and round every corner and it's just not there. Like an annual reunion visitor, I have laid a place at the table for it and put out the guest towels to welcome my old friend depression and it just hasn't arrived.  Certainly there are other winter symptoms.  The overwhelming tiredness I've written about before hasn't changed.  My winter ursine urges to hibernate haven't much improved, but the rest - well - poof! vanished.  Up in thin air.  Gone, kaput, ended.

I would like to understand this better.  My old friend and teacher, Frank Natale, always encouraged us to find out how we create what we have and choose in our lives, so that we could either repeat the things that turned out successful or avoid repeating the mistakes we don't want.  It concerns me that I have no idea how this state of equilibrium came about and that makes me slightly nervous.

I also suddenly feel less interesting to myself.  After all, sitting in a small heap and contemplating my own misery-soaked navel gave me lots of blog fodder.  Being in a more balanced and for sure, more ordinary state of ok-ness does not interest me nearly as much.
What this does show me is my addiction to the dramatic and the crises-ridden state I have always considered  normal.  I feel like I also need to redefine normal for myself.  If it is not normal to feel so low that you want to jump off a roof, or so high that you hug trees, then the middle ground, the balanced, rather quieter state becomes normal.

I am quite enjoying this unfamiliar state of normality.  I do suffer a bit from 'Drama-Queenitis" and like the madness that usually accompanies my mood swings, but I also recognise how many tears and tantrums go with the more volatile winter moods and I can live without the impact of thiose mood swings.  My work goes much better when I am more even. I also enjoy this state of being without needing to scream.

I heard myself yesterday saying to someone who was complaining about feeling down during these wintry, short and gloomy days, 'Relax, we've passed the shortest day now, the days are getting longer now and soon it will be Spring'.

Who is this strange woman I see before me in the mirror and why isn't she as crazy as the Cynthia I usually see?  I wish I knew, but I do know I like her.