Not waving...but drowning

Below is what I wrote two days ago.  I feel completely differently today, but still wanted to leave this as an introduction to the upheaval and personal tsunami that has washed through me over the last couple of days.  I have been completely unprepared for these feelings and will elucidate after these calm and rather plaintively boring paragraphs...

I want to write, today, yesterday and almost every day.  Last year it seemed so easy to pour out all my thoughts and feelings and just let things flow and to hell with where it all ended up.  This year I have felt much more constrained and have spent quite some time planning blog entries and then abandoning them because they had no spontaneity or meaningful content. The self-consciousness feels like I have bitten the forbidden fruit and have now been banished from the proverbial garden. I have to change this immediately.


This weekend I was reading something about writing by Philip Pullman.  He advised budding writers to just write.  Set aside a certain time each day and write even if you believe you have nothing to say and do this every day until you've created a new habit.  Well, that's just what I did last year.  I created a habit.  I addicted myself to writing and I am finding it very tough to not write, but I do feel I have run out of things to say. This seems an impossibility.  I never, ever run out of inane chatter, meaningless conversation or words that come falling out of my mouth, so why now, is it so different?


Last year the commitment I made to myself was to use my writing as a way of resolving my seasonal depression.  It was a straightforward way of self-examination.  I saw patterns and spirals of anxiety I was travelling down and the act of writing down these thoughts allowed me to distance myself from the magnetic pull of the winter misery.  Along the way I started to tell 'my story', a bit of my life history and the things that I find important.  Sometimes I surprised myself with the results in print.  it helped me to re-define who I am and re-think what my priorities are.

... And so here I am a few days later, watching the television news, reading the BBC web site and listening in open-mouthed horror to the events in Japan.  So much death, such destruction seems impossible for my mind to comprehend and I feel such an overwhelming sense of sadness and despair.  At the same time as this is going on in the outside world I also feel my own waves of sadness.  For reasons I can guess at, I have suddenly been engulfed with tears and more tears every time I think about my dad.  He is still alive and being well-cared for in the home he is in in Connecticut. At this moment my father is in a steady decline which is not unexpected.  My dad really doesn't have much awareness anymore.  He hardly speaks. He doesn't know who he is or anyone else, he is wheelchair-bound and fed by helpers. His language appears to be leaving him and he occasionally speaks in a gibberish combination of Yiddish/English/nonsense.

I cannot bear to imagine him locked into life in this way.  If he could let us know his wishes I know he would not want to carry on in this manner.  I wish I could press a button or pull a switch to make his present life stop and yet, there is no choice, or at least the choice is not mine to make, it is his.What is causing me so much anguish is the contrast between who he is now and my 'real' dad - the alive, spirited Pop that I hold in my heart and whom I already miss so much.

In addition to these unexpected feelings, the events in Japan over the past days have brought me such profound sadness and a palpable pain in my heart.  It is easy to fall into the sinking spiral of helplessness and at the same time I feel my spirit soaring with so much love and sending out so much healing to all those in need, also remembering to send the same level of healing and compassion and caring to myself.  I think this is really important right now.  All of us who are praying and meditating and caring  for those in need also need to direct those prayers and meditations and care towards ourselves. We need to stay strong in our love for each other, in order to strengthen those around us. I am drowning in sadness and floating in love...

In the words of Gandhi:

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall ? think of it, always."
	Gandhi

Optimistic or mad?

This morning when I woke up I felt so remarkably relaxed that I felt like I was inhabiting the body of a stranger.  I was up before 6 am and standing at the ironing board a few minutes later.  As I had promised I ironed a shirt for my beloved husband and then carried on ironing and even repairing some of my own clothing.  After that I stopped, prepared my yummy healthy breakfast of blueberries, cottage cheese and almonds and sat down to watch early morning television.  The sense of relaxation stayed with me and I slowly pulled my morning self together and showered and dressed ready to face the outside world. "No rush", I thought as I laid down again for another half hour of internet browsing and musing about the day.  Eventually I went out, did some food shopping, pottered around in some second-hand  shops, chatted to my old lady friend for a while and finally finished up in a local cafe with a coffee and danish pastry while I perused the daily papers.  I cannot remember feeling so unpressured, so chilled and deserving of such a morning.

"Who are you?" What have to done with the real Cynthia?"  This is not the person I recognise at all.  I heard myself chatting to a local shopkeeper who was complaining about the continuing cold weather and I actually said I like these days of late winter and early Spring.  After all, Spring is just over the horizon and there is a wonderful feeling of expectancy in the air. "Who is this person saying these things?  What have they done with the glass-half-empty Cynthia?" I even suggested to one of my regular shopkeeper contacts that I was a bit worried that I was bi-polar and maybe this was the beginning of the manic phase?

Now that I sit back and reflect on where this unfamiliar optimism comes from I think I begin to understand a bit more.  Today I woke up with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I am aware of all the things in my life that are really pretty wonderful and just for this moment I forgot to take them for granted. In this mood of warmth, nostalgia and gratefulness I thought I would like to begin to make one of those lists that the many self-help books on my shelves suggest are a good idea, so here goes:

• I am grateful for my children. For having a beautiful, strong, courageous daughter who goes through life facing every challenge with strength and beauty and for being loving and caring and open always. For having a son who is warm, loving, responsible and funny and a man of integrity. I am grateful for the love that they inspire in me and give and receive from me and to me.  This is a rare blessing.
• I am grateful for my husband, Ralph.  Loving him has taught me more about myself than I would have been brave enough to learn on my own.  Not only is he the best schoolteacher that any child could wish for, he has also been my teacher and helped me to become the person I was always meant to be. My heart almost bursts when I allow this love.
• I am grateful for my beautiful, chaotic, cluttered, dusty home.  My home is a safe haven for me . When the world feels dark and insecure my home always feels like a lovely security blanket.  It's big and sprawling and filled with my history and I love it.
• I am grateful for the knowledge that I can create this safe haven in another place.  if I need to move, sell these four walls, I am delighted that I know I can do it again.  I am certain that I can create another nest because I will always have that ability.
• I am grateful for the ability to express myself creatively.  Whether it is through words, since I love to talk, or in writing, painting, sculpting, knitting, sewing, cooking or singing, I can express myself well and sometimes really beautifully.
• I am grateful for the work I do and the people I connect with through this work.  I am grateful that I have some small part in changing the world in a positive way and for being able to guide people towards a greater appreciation of each other.
• I am grateful for all the people I love, for friends and family and all my teachers.  I have a blessed life.  I am lucky to be able to live in such an easy way.  I have more than enough and am slowly, at the ripe old age of 61, learning to relax and enjoy.
• I am so grateful that it is not too late to learn that life is so good.
• I am grateful for today.