I'm Back!

THIS PIECE WAS WRITTEN THEE WEEKS AGO:
It's over two months since I've thought to come and write down my thoughts.  I'm not at all sure why this is and not sure why I am today inspired to write once again. So much has happened and so many different emotions have flown through me that it's almost hard to know where to begin and possibly, and just as importantly, where to end.

In the past few months I have been to the States to visit my father, seen some old friends, been on holiday in Scotland and increased the amount of work I've been doing.  Life has felt very busy and I've been watching my moods with curiosity as I take on more and panic less. I've given myself the gift of booking the Ecstatic Chant group at the Omega Institute in early September and booked a week's residential pottery course with Ralph for this summer.  Even making plans for a few months in advance seems like a good omen and a pledge of trust in the future.  I've watched the garden turn green again and the Spring blossom come and go as the warm weather takes hold.  In other words life has carried on taking me with it and all in all it's been very good.


As I write these words I am still surprised that it is me who is writing, that it is me who is feeling these positive feelings.  Surely there is some mistake, I will wake up from this dream and find myself mired in my usual anxiety.  Now I can't say that ALL in the garden is lovely.  I still have my crises of confidence, my panic over a new work contract and my horror when I look in the mirror and see, not a young beautiful girl, but a rather wrinkled, overweight old lady and et, and yet, and yet, the order of life is exactly as it is meant and things seem to be workig out just fine.


PLEASE LET ME ADD NEW INFORMATION HERE:  
It is now a few weeks after I originally wrote this upbeat report of where I'm at and since then a few things have changed.  I still feel strong and resilient, but I have taken a major knock to my confidence.  The work contract I took on began this past week and went really badly.  A combination of an organisation in chaos and my lack of experience in the area of work I undertook meant that for the first time I can remember, my work didn't go well.  I was and still am, to some extent, very shaken up by this and very distressed by how much this has disturbed my equilibrium.  I feel like I've been in a car accident - battered, bruised and hurt.  There are many reasons why the work didn't go well and to be honest, less than half the fault lies with me, but that still leaves a chunk of poor quality work that falls at my feet and it sure feels bad.


When I was originally offered this work I said no.  I knew this was not my area of expertise and in my gut I felt that I was not the right person to do this work.  I allowed myself to be convinced otherwise and seduced by the size of the contract.  I guess I am upset with myself for putting myself into a position where I took on something I should not have taken on.  I should have trusted my original reaction and stuck to my no.  Instead of that I am sitting in my house feeling absolutely dismal and trying desperately to make it ok.  It will be ok, but right now, it doesn't feel that way.


ALLOW ME TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT!
Not only am I taking part in the Ecstatic Chant at the Omega Institute this year, but I am also booked to participate in an intense and important retreat.  It is a retreat of bearing witness in... Auschwitz.  Let me explain this and in explaining I know I can get clearer for myself on what I think this means to me. 


I have known about this retreat for almost three years.  Each year the pull to take part has grown stronger and this year I could no longer ignore the call to be there. It is a 5 day retreat organised by a group called Zen Peacemakers and led by a Buddhist Roshi (master) named Bernie Glassman.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrxgPhWFquo  


Every year for over 15 years he has led multi-faith groups in bearing witness in the grounds of Auschwitz.  Each day is structured and involves meditation, sharing, prayer and time to process what happens.  Rather than sounding morbid, it feels to me to be a journey of healing and as Glassman puts it, 're-membering', putting back together the unhealed past.  For me this feels like the culmination of so many years of having come to terms with my parents' past and having deeply understood that the purpose of remembering is to heal and honour those who died in the Holocaust by making the world a good place to live in.  In some small way I fully believe that taking part in this retreat is my next step.  It is my 'enlightenment intensive'.  How to explain something that is based so strongly on a magnetic pull of the heart, something that is beyond words and beyond rationale.  


I could never imagine going on a day trip to Auschwitz with some tour group.  I have often thought about visiting Poland.  As my father is reaching the end of his life and his spark of life is getting dimmer, it seems that this is the absolute right time for me to undertake such a big step.  I trust totally that this is a positive thing to do and also, I feel very courageous right now.  I am ready for this.


I will write more about my thoughts on this since it helps me to clear anything in the way and also I am aware that my 'retreat time' has already started.  From the moment I booked the group, the flight and the hotel, I have begun a process. Right now it feels a long time until the retreat begins at the end of October, but I know that at my age, time seems to fly by.


I am happy to be writing again.  It makes me smile to sit here and tap away at my new nifty little computer and pour out my ranting.  It makes me happy even though the main reason I started to write again was that I did a poor piece of work.  I will try to be kind to myself and not beat myself too badly over it and watch it pass.


I welcome myself back to the world of words...