Watching...and waiting

As the days pass and the sun still shines I often feel as if I live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Having had such a good winter and by that I mean a winter where I didn't fall into the Harris hole of depression, I am sitting here in this glorious Spring feeling a bit low and completely de-motivated.  Why? Does it matter? Can I actively change it by being in-active?


Last week's work fiasco was the beginning.  Though, if being honest with myself I set up that situation perfectly.  The killing of Bin Laden was not planned in any greater detail.  From the moment I took on the work contract I began to create failure.  I was convinced I wouldn't be any good and I was certain that I was not prepared enough, that my programme for the two day course was not detailed enough. I was sure that I would fall flat on my face and when I was confronted with a sour, unhappy group of workers, I decided to take it all very personally and fall flat, just as I anticipated.  Since then I have had more positive feedback, from senior people and directors of the company.  I have seen that the two days achieved more than anyone expected and that I was well liked and invited back with open arms.


This knock has rocked me dreadfully.  I feel so low and so unlovable today and I also see that I am just creating more 'stuff' for me to deal with and there is no need for it  and still I do this again and again.  To me this is the definition of stupid.  As Einstein said when he defined insanity - 'doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results'. So either I am insane or very stupid.


To add to this self-flagellation I went to my doctor this morning for some minor thing and he weighed me! Weighed me! Very bad thing to do when I am not feeling absolutely at the top of my game.  I always want to be thinner.  Thinner than I am at any given moment and today I was not.  I have not gained any weight in months, but according to his (obviously wrong) scales, I have not lost more that 1/2 a kilo.  BOO! this means that in order to attain my ideal weight and age, because of course, I not only want to be thinner I also want to be younger, I have to cut out all the little treats that feel so necessary when I am feeling low. The realisation that even if I am thin I will still be almost 62 years old with a face full of wrinkles and a body dimpled with cellulite is another huge de-motivator.  Oy vey - am I making problems today.


All in all, I could list idiotic reasons as to why I feel low, but it all comes down to the same thing.  All of it is self-created and seeing this today so clearly is almost enough to motivate me to do something new.  I could clear my clothes from the floor of the bedroom, I could cook a gourmet dinner, I could even iron some clothes, but at the moment the blankets of my bed beckon me and are asking me to pull them up over my head and hide for a while.


I think I will try to do a little bit of all these things.  After all, that's what a day off is for.  Tomorrow I can go to work and shine.  Today I will just glow a bit and give in to myself.