Negative intention

In reading the title of this blog I realised today that it is completely innaccurate. Not only do I not have many positive intentions today, but today I am positively negative in my approach to the world.  I am not doing very well. As I write today I cry too. Tears just seem to have started falling again. The tears had stopped for a few days and fool that I am, I thought I was finished. I thought the sadness and blanket of negative energy had lifted. it hadn't, it hasn't and I am lower than I have felt for years. Winston Churchill described his depression as a 'Black Dog' that came to inhabit him. I feel like I have a nameless big fog of bad feelings just covering my whole world right now.

What to do? Can doing actually change anything? What really is the point? I get up, I do all sorts of time-wasting small things that simply pass the days until I can legitimately crawl back into my bed and sleep. Even that is difficult. I have constant pain in my neck (it would be funny if I felt like seeing it that way) and the result is that I also feel worn down. I am at the giving up point today.

Will I give up? I am really not sure. I am closer than I have been for a long time. My father's death has come at the wrong time of the year. How inconsiderate of him to die at the beginning of winter. I cannot cope at all. I am supposed to return to work next week. Can I? Will I? Do I give a damn? All these questions and no answers. All the things I could 'do' to make myself better and no motivation whatsoever to do anything at all.

I feel sad for Ralph, standing helpless, giving me hugs, patience and time to recover. Instead the only re-covering I do is to pull the blankets up higher until they are almost covering me head to toe. In this space I reject everything. I reject offers of kindness and gestures of love, I reject the possibility of feeling better when I feel I am swimming through the black soup of misery. I am not a good swimmer and this soup has a particularly tiring quality. I am just so tired and yet all I do is sleep.

So this is today and it just feels endless...