Learning to distinguish...

This morning I went to my acupuncturist for my weekly session. As I was lying on the table I realised I had no idea what the acupuncturist was actually doing. I just get up on to the table, lie down and close my eyes. Then, because this is Japanese acupuncture and the needles are tiny, I don't feel much of what she is doing. She begins to take pulses and do a route around my body, pricking and prodding as she goes. Sometimes she asks me to turn my head to one side or the other to see if the pain in my neck is easier and sometimes she just moves around me in silence while carrying on with tiny inexplicable actions.  I have never once opened my eyes to see what she is doing. Occasionally I smell the familiar smell of burning as she warms the needles, but usually I just space out and go somewhere else.

This is most unusual for me. I am someone who researches everything about any medical practitioner who recommends a treatment for me. I don’t trust doctors at all and watch their behaviour with hawk-like attention. Why have I chosen to trust this woman, especially when I am so sceptical of so much alternative medicine? It is not as if I am seeing miracle results. It isn’t even as if I know the system of acupuncture that she is using. There are far fewer practitioners of Japanese acupuncture than those following the Chinese system. The only thing I am sure of is that the sessions feel increasingly soothing and right now this is what I need.

Lying down on the treatment table today I allowed myself to really relax and travelled to another, quieter realm. I came back from there realising that I need to be clearer about distinguishing my feelings, i.e. my emotions, from my feelings, i.e. painful or pleasurable bodily sensations. If I can once again learn to make those distinctions I am sure that I will be less disturbed and shaken off centre. I know on some level that I am too identified with my body, but hell, it’s my body, what am I supposed to do with it when it hurts, when I can’t walk for pain or when it let’s me down. I have spent so long dis-identifying my self from my physical body it was always one of the reasons I was neglectful of my health. I now see that there is a difference, a very clear difference, between disowning my body and owning my physical body but not getting caught up in identifying my psyche with pain. This also means that the nature of pleasure is also a feeling that I can allow to flow over me. No feeling needs to be so important. They are just feelings, regardless of whether I label them as positive or negative, or in terms that make more sense to me, sensations. The sensations I experience need not rock who I am or how I feel in myself. Learning to witness all these fleeting things is a life lesson. I saw today how much I still have to learn.

I also spent some time today NOT beating myself up for forgetting what I already knew, but congratulating myself for remembering what I have learned and remembering to remember it! It comes back to what I started this week writing about - trust. Tough lessons this week, but really worthwhile, I think.