The magnolia is in bloom...

The sun is shining so brightly that even I can’t help but feel uplifted. The daffodils are out, the blossom is extravagant on the trees and our magnolia is flowering. I think I may have weathered another winter.

I am feeling a bit brighter and certainly have a little less pain. It is remarkable how quickly I see my body and soul bouncing back from the edge of the abyss. Two weeks ago I was terrified of what would come next. I felt helpless and hopeless. Today there was a little bit of a spring in my step. There must have been a noticeable change in my demeanor as well since both the manager at our local Starbucks and our greengrocer commented on how much better I was looking. This was something of a surprise since I thought I looked a tad rough today. All I can imagine is that I looked really dreadful for the past weeks and in comparison today I’m looking good. There is still some way to go.

I still feel very guilty that the changes I am experiencing are more likely to do with medication that enlightenment. I have such a strong voice screaming in my head, saying ‘failure, failure, failure’ and this is so very difficult to get past. By taking anti-depressants medication I am admitting to an inability to do it alone. I need help and not help to resolve this through talking therapy or learning from my own insights, but help from chemicals that change the way my brain works. This is a bit scary for me since it also means that my brain chemistry needed changing. I guess I finally have to accept that this is a state that I have been in before and may well be in again. It is not the first time this has happened. Not even the second or third!

What is helping me is recognising that the most positive thing I have done to change the depression I was experiencing was to go to my doctor and ask for help. I try to convince myself that there is no difference between taking medication for depression than taking medication for diabetes  - if it helps and it exists, then fine.  And yet, I am horribly defensive about this and a bit ashamed to have been unable to pull myself up alone. I see that as I begin to feel a bit brighter I am already thinking about how long I will need to rely on drugs to help. For the moment this is where I am and accepting that without self-blame needs to happen.

I am so afraid of the judgements of others. I am 62 years old, have had a successful career, raised two spectacular kids, have a wonderful relationship with a man I love and I inside still feel about 10 years old and insecure. I still have so many fears and so much doubt. I still expect to get rejected by those I love. I still don’t believe how much I am loved. Maybe I still need to keep taking the tablets.

See, I knew this whole week was about trust – and there it is again.