Turn off the GPS

Friend 1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

My son

Friend 2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

Friend 1: What’s a GPS override?

Friend 2: My wife.

Holding back from being an over-bearing Jewish mother is a trial. My natural instinct is to jump into the lives of my children and offer advice, answers and information. This might be acceptable if it was welcome, but often it is not. I begin to see that one of the main reasons the interference is unwelcome is just exactly that, it is interference that appears to be a lack of trust. If I trusted my children more, I would stand back, watch and wait to be asked. I would be able to allow more and if I really were to open my eyes I would see that most, if not all the time, my adult children cope just fine without my advice.

Trust is an issue for me. I am not good at just allowing anyone to act and waiting for an outcome. I always seem to think I have a better way or I pre-empt others’ finding their own way. I am like a living GPS system, constantly issuing information. Turn right here, turn left there, carry on for another mile … a living GPS with a New York accent and a Jewish mother tone in her voice. Anyone’s nightmare scenario!

I lie awake at night and invent problems for which I then have to find solutions. This is not just a waste of my energy and time, it is also a source of anxiety. I read and chant (sometimes) all these positive affirmations but when it comes to trusting that my spouse, my children, my bank, my doctor, my plumber, my dentist, my car mechanic or myself know what they are doing and I can sit back and relax – almost impossible.

This truly must be the definition of ‘driving yourself crazy’. Seeing this, admitting this, is the first step and  the next step is how to stop. Last week I was given advice (unasked for may I add) that I might begin by not starting sentences with ‘You should’. This would certainly help. I am filled with shoulds. I hear my mother reeling off her lists of shoulds all the time. I remember as a child hearing that I should do better, I should be thinner, I should be more feminine (this said after I refused to wear frilly lace blouses that were in style then), I should clean my room, I should do more. I remember feeling like screaming at my mum, actually I remember screaming at her very often, ‘leave me alone’. Sadly this has become a default mantra of mine whenever I feel stressed. A real Catch-22 this one, leave me alone, but come and take care of me.

I digress. I was looking at how much I over-mother my children. My children are not even slightly children anymore. They are old enough to have their own lives. They are financially independent and for the most part, they make pretty good choices. I know that as a parent I have helped equip them with life skills that empower them to make their own decisions. So why do I still have this need to interfere. It is rarely needed and if it is needed, I am invited to give advice or add an opinion. Maybe I am just afraid that if I don’t insinuate myself into their lives they will leave me out, though in reality this is highly unlikely.

So it’s time to re-programme this GPS – change the tone, alter the accent and maybe encourage patience. Usually if I wait long enough everyone finds their own way and it’s always the best way for them. If I can re-programme well enough I might even be able to completely relax and enjoy the journey trusting that we will all reach the destinations we choose.