Tell me who you are...

In 1978 when I went to the Rajneesh Ashram in India it was suggested to me by my guru that it would be good for me to participate in an Enlightenment Intensive group. This is a structured group in which pairs of participants take it in turns to answer questions such as 'Who am I'.  I found this one of the most difficult things I had ever experienced.  I realise now that I went into a state of 'spiritual emergency' - a state where the body/mind/spirit cannot encompass the many things being processed at the same time.  To this day it is one of the only groups I have ever left before the end. I am not usually a quitter, but I was not ready to confront myself in this most direct format at that time.

Now I believe I have reached a different time and point in my life. I not so frightened of either finding out that I am not who I think I am, or finding out that I am exactly who I think I am.  I guess I've reached some sort of equilibrium, a state of balance, or maybe it's an age thing. I am sure of one thing - it doesn't actually make much difference if I accept or reject who I am, where I am and what my life is.  It is the way it is anyway.

So, after so many years of living in my skin, who am I?

A few weekends ago, in the William Bloom weekend on spirituality we had to list all the different aspects of who we are. My list had 48+ different identities I travel through the world wearing. Some of them I list here:
The wife
The mother
The woman
The cook
The housewife
The training consultant
The manager
The artist
The capable
The talented
The anxious
The hysteric
The expert
The sarcastic
The pessimist
The depressed
The fun-lover
The clown
The friend
The confidante
The lover
The beautiful
The party planner
The seamstress
The Jew
The Yiddish speaker
The frightened
The gossip
The communicator
The survivor
The softie...

And so on and so on.... There are so many aspects of me and each one of them knows everything and nothing about who I really am.

When I was younger I used to know so much. I knew who should be in power. I knew what was right and what needed fixing. I knew how my parents should treat me and of course, I knew what was wrong with them. I knew how my teachers should act. I knew how my friends could make their lives better. I think at some point when I was a teenager I knew it ALL.

As I get older I know less and less. I have no idea how to end world hunger or make peace in the world or who to vote for.  I hope that as the years go by I continue to be sure of fewer and fewer things. I would be pleased to approach the last years of my life knowing only that who am I can be defined by love.  What an attractive prospect.