Twenty-seven years ago today...

Today would have been my son Ben's 27th birthday. Ben died in 1984 at 16 months old and this is the first time in years I remembered the exact date of his birthday. Many years ago I stopped marking these sad anniversaries and vowed to remember the happier times instead. For some reason, and I think writing this blog is one of them, I have been very aware of this birthday all day today.

I remember Ben in a sort of haze. He was a tiny newborn, a month premature with a kitten-like mewing cry at first.  Of course as he grew his lungs developed and he howled like every other baby, but I do remember how very small he was.  Ben was a welcome expected child and he came after I had three miscarriages.

Prior to the arrival of this new little boy into our lives we were a pretty complete family. Our little girl was growing into a lovely young woman and life was settled and good. When Ben was born I really felt like a first time mum again and had to relearn all the parenting skills I had managed to forget over 12 years. It felt new and natural for the three of us to have a baby around.

His death was sudden and heartbreaking.  I don't really feel to write about the drama around that time. I am aware that over 25 years have passed since his death and it is not as painful as it was, but it is still so sad for all of us.  Ben's being here for such a short time let me see one huge, important thing. I was actually a pretty good mum and I wasn't at all finished with mothering a baby.  I felt like I had just begun that when it was torn away.

Our other son was born 13 months after Ben died. Whoosh - it felt so fast and so soon. We were still hurting so much and this new baby felt so fragile and so precious. He had three vigilant attentive 'parents' from the first moments of his life. My daughter became a great big sister/little mother to this new hearty little boy. It was as if, from the very beginning, he knew that he had to be fat and happy and strong, in order to help us heal all our sadness. He didn't heal the sadness, we did, but he has brought so much delight and sunshine into our lives.

I believe that we because we are on the earth for such a short time we have to make  the time we have mean something. Ben's brief time here with us brought us such a lot of love and brought me  such a wonderful opening of my heart that I was able to trust enough to go on to have another precious child.

It's always strange to me when people ask me how many children I have. I know I've had three and I am grateful for the existence of all of them.