The ups and downs of my life are beginning to get me down - that sounds utterly ridiculous and is sadly true. These days my life is like a travelling carnival - filled with all these different rides that work fine but ultimately don't move.
One day I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round, just going round and round in the same way, at the same pace, and not really getting anywhere. The next day and sometimes it's the next moment, I'm on a rollercoaster - going up and down and feeeling like my heart is in my mouth and my stomach is in knots and I just can't wait to get off. And then there are the times when I'm right in the middle of the dodgem cars, being knocked and hit from all sides and desperately trying to take evasive action to avoid collisions.
Where is the candy floss? Where are the jelly apples, the little goldfish you win and take home in a plastic bag and the giant teddy bear? All I seem to do is take avoiding action in order to not get bashed from all sides, or bored or dizzy. These days I am part of this great circus and my life is very strange indeed. Send in the clowns.
One moment I am driving along in my little wreck of a car and singing at the top of my voice while feeling utterly at peace. There is at the same time an awareness in me of expansion, the rightness of everything and the sense of quietly being content with all of it. In that moment. It is only momentary.
Watching me from the outside and I think, Cynthia, go easy on yourself. Be kinder to yourself and allow yourself to get it wrong without having to pay all the time. I walk on eggshells and it becomes difficult to take any steps at all on these fragile shells. I am tired a lot. I am ready to walk with a firmer step and to hell with the eggshells. As my dad might say "Mmeh, what can you do"?
Compassion comes up again and again. As a concept, and as a reality. Compassion for those around me and for myself. I believe that my capacity for happiness is directly related to my capacity for compassion and kindness. When that starts to slip, so do I and so does everything I care about.
Some days are tougher than others. Today is a bit of everything - up, down, middle, sort of my whole life condensed into 24 chaotic hours. I am not sure how to modify things and I also know that these days of discontent also contain within them the possibility of light and joy and laughter and thankfully, love.
Charles Shultz, the creator of the Peanuts cartoons said it in a way that I understand and would hope to emulate:
"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?"
There is always the possibility of doing it right..
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