It is and isn't all personal.

This morning a good friend of mine realised that the reason he was so shocked and distressed by some unpleasant recent events was because he was taking the event as a personal affront - as if it had happened to him.  When he saw this and was able to change the focus, I think it seemed quite different for him. Events become only what they are rather than what we invest them with when we de-personalise them.

When I started writing this blog about 70 days ago I made an agreement with myself to never use this blog in any way that would expose or embarrass my family or my friends.  This means that I will not use them as sources of gossip, amusing tales or to make my blog more exciting.  This has never been the point of writing daily.  It has always been a way for me to explore my own life and my personal brand of madness.  This has meant that I have had to be much more critical of myself.  It's so much easier to blame others for feelings, thoughts, events and behaviour.

What changes if I take responsibility for all my feelings? It doesn't mean that the actions of others don't affect me. It does mean that I could start to think of my reactions as my choice. If I am angry, it's because I choose to be angry. If I'm upset, it's because I choose to be upset and conversely if I'm excited or happy about something, it's also my choice.

Frankly I'm not too thrilled about this way of approaching my life.  If I stop blaming others for my failings or for things going wrong I may have to take responsibilirty for my part in everything that touches me.  This means that I have to turn the pointing finger back towards me and examine my actions. I never liked doing this.

When I was young and something would go wrong in my house, I remember my mother always asking who's fault it was.  I guess this stuck with me. I look to the other to apportion blame so as not to have to see my own actions. I advise managers and teams all the time on how to communicate effectively while maintaining respect for the other and yet, it doesn't apply to me in the same way. 

I have been a tad difficult to live with lately.  The winter is coming to a close and I feel like up until recently I was doing pretty well, but now I see that it has often been at the expense of those around me.  Instead of taking things on and dealing with them myself, I have blamed others for not fixing everything.  I have been erratic and unpredictable and my moods are mercurial right now. It certainly started with the arrival of the builders in my house and hasn't let up yet.  It seems like I've transferred suicidal thoughts to homicidal thoughts.  Not a great exchange. And my hair continues to fall out.

I don't enjoy holding a mirror up to my actions because the returning reflection is sometimes not attractive.  I know that I am not the only participant in discussions, arguments, disagreements or any other communication, but I am the only one who can decide what I am going to say or do in response to things.  I love my family beyond belief.  The fact that they can still return that to me when I am feeling so closed shows a steadfast love.  Time again to let that love in and begin to return it. Lots of sadness today but I guess that's also my choice.