I guess writing to to you is a bit strange, but I think that from a small distance I can see some of things that you could do that would make your life a little easier. I can see that you often struggle and I can also see that most of the time it's not needed at all.
You are a 60 year old successful, attractive woman and still you insist on carrying around the insecure little girl and hesitant teenager you once thought you were, with you. No wonder your weight is always such an issue for you. You walk around with all these people inside you when really you only need be the present one. She's turned out pretty well and the remaining piece of that puzzle for you is to let yourself truly believe it.
Stop spending your time acting as if you are getting away with something, that at any moment the Imposter Police will burst in and bust you. You have achieved so much and overcome so many obstacles and you did that, no one else. You had the strength and the love to build this life.
When you were a teenager I know you were very unhappy and felt unloved and uncared for. This really wasn't true. You were loved, you just didn't know how to let it touch you. When you met Ralph you very quickly told him all the crazy, bad things about yourself. Your reasoning was that if he was going to walk away it was better for it to happen early on rather than when you allowed yourself to care. Lucky for you he found all your madness so exotic and interesting. Actually, he was right.
Moving to London with Ralph when you were just 21 and soon to have a baby was incredibly brave and it was tough. Moving to a new country, having no support network and living in a tiny cold flat was hard. It took you a little time to sort out your new English life, but you made friends and found a whole new community of people. Those people became your close friends and it says a lot about you that 40 years later they are still your friends. You always had a way of bringing people together and creating big families and it's a wonderful that you still do that.
When Ben died you didn't fall apart. You certainly could have and no one would have been at all surprised and no one would have blamed you for being knocked sideways. You froze for a long while, but you also took steps to de-freeze yourself, your feelings and the rest of the family and when Sam was born you were a great mum to this little boy, even though you were so frightened. It took courage to get through that time and move on in the positive way you did.
You have certainly had your share of ill health and when you had cancer you faced it in the most direct way. You didn't look for blame, you didn't put a positive spin on it. You just got on with what needed to be done and again, you moved on. Your attitude with your back surgery was the same. You were so frightened and went through so much pain but came through that so well. It was important to you that you had so much love and support from your friends and family and though it was hard for you to be dependent on others for such a long time, it again helped you to believe how much love and care there was for you.
You built a career by going back to graduate school when Sam was tiny and working all at the same time. You are so hard on yourself about your work and the insecurity you carry about being an independent consultant. You worry so much about not having enough work, is it good enough, what does the future hold? Yet, you have always managed to find work and you need to believe that your work makes a difference. There are people and teams all over the country that work better and value each other more because of what you taught them.
I could go on and on describing how you've come through tough times and triumphed, but that's not the point of outlining all these events. You need to finally see that it doesn't matter what you do. You are loved, you are beautiful and you are worthwhile. Your creativity seems boundless and your friendships are heart-breakingly wonderful.
It is a privilege to be you. Believe that, please. Life is not a struggle. It is a joy and filled with love. Short of shaking you until you rattle, I can't think of what more to say to convince you.
Remember, I will always love you.
xxx
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