Rules to live by..

After being alive for this considerable period of time and having witnessed so many changes in our world, I have distilled some life lessons into rules to live by.  There are many more, but these are some that come to mind today:

1. Never wear horizontal stripes if you are older than 12 or weigh more than 100 lbs.
2. Do not even attempt to wear all white unless you are a member of a strange cult, a hippy-dippy flower child, or are deeply tanned and relaxing on a Greek island.  It gets covered in finger-prints, food stains and acts as a dirt-magnet, as well as looking stupidly pretentious.
3. Talk to strangers.  Contrary to popular belief that you should not talk to strangers, this is an admirable past time and often ensures that you have nice, quiet train, plane journeys since you come across looking like a nutter.
4. Always wear black to design exhibitions, art galleries, or Samuel Beckett plays.  That way you can blend right in.  A pair of horn-rimmed eyeglasses completes the look nicely.  if you must have colour go for a super-expensive long silk scarf hanging loosely draped (never tied) around the neck.  Black on these occasions can be livened up by touches of gray.
5. Never wear black to funerals - much too somber, reserve the black for rule 4.
6. In restaurants try to make sure you don't order exactly what is offered on the menu.   If you want everyone to know what a special person and discerning diner you are, make sure you alter the set items.  No butter on that please.  Can you make that plainly grilled, not sauteed with mushrooms, wine and cream?  Can I have the dressing on the side and can you make sure the feta cheese and onion salad is served with no feta (allergic, you know) and no onions?  This always ingratiates you with the chef and the waiters and lets others know that you really are special.
7. One can never have too many shoes.  We were born with two feet, this means that we can have at least twice as many pairs of shoes as we have hats, jackets, dresses, etc. It is a good idea to dispose of one pair of shoes when you buy a new pair, but this is not a rule, just a fantasy.  Boots don't count as shoes, so you can also load up on those too.
8. Always bring a newspaper or something to read on a long journey. In case you meet someone who follows rule 3 you want to have some means to ignore them. This also means you can happily ignore any more unfortunate passengers who might be angling for a seat.
9. Never try to haggle in a charity shop.  You always look like a cheap, uncaring human being. Second-hand clothes sold at a pittance to support underdeveloped countries or cancer research is not a means for you to cheat the system.  There are more honourable ways to do that. See rules about paying taxes.
10. When planning for a dinner party that includes vegetarians, try not to make them feel  like the local pariahs.  It is not good enough to cook a large roast lamb and offer the vegetarians the roast potatoes and carrots.  Even though it is their own fault that they have chosen this path of fussy eating,  they are still people and as such we need to be kind to them.  Make at least some boiled eggs to go with the veg.  If they are vegan, meet for tea.
11. Never ask your partner to tell you the truth about a new outfit.  Brief them first about how much 'truth' you can handle. Better yet, don't ask.
12. When inviting people to parties/dinner/social events only invite those you truly want. To invite someone you're not keen on with the knowledge that they can't attend so you can look generous is not right. This strategy has also been known to backfire and leave you with a strange mix of party guests.
13. If you haven't worn something or used something for a year the received wisdom is that you don't actually need the item.  Before throwing things away, think, perhaps something's gone unused because you couldn't find it. Now that you've found it, you have another year in which to decide. Then perhaps get rid of it.  All strange hats and wigs must be tried on and shown to your friends and family before they hit the dustbin.
14. Watch cooking vegetables carefully.  While busy multi-tasking they do have a nasty tendency to burn. Soaking saucepans is always a pain.
15. There is never a need to justify enjoying watching television.
16. Losing weight is a never-ending hobby. Just when you think you've reached that goal, a bar of chocolate, a slice of cheesecake or a bacon sandwich sabotages all that effort. Set much more realistic goals and start to enjoy the paintings of Titian and Rubens.
17. Tell the people you love that you love them.  What are you waiting for?
18. No one needs more than half a dozen pairs of black trousers.  Finding the right ones (the ones that actually fit, are ironed, are long enough, short enough) on a dark winter morning is virtually impossible. Turning on all the lights, swearing loudly and throwing things out of your wardrobe in a panic, are not things that a sleeping partner appreciates. Sort clothes out the night before.
19. Short socks under long boots don't work. I've heard of things riding up, but this is a recipe for riding down - damned nuisance.  Short socks under trousers are a no-no as well.  Any sign of bare leg/ankle under trousers when legs are crossed is gross.
20. Life is a minefield.  Remember that getting older means that we no longer have to care  what others think.  We've been there, done that and come out laughing. Do what makes you happy!