This morning I went to see my doctor. I was picking up a prescription so I thought that since I was there and I had a list of symptoms as long as my arm (and involving my arm) I might as well take advantage of the trip and get medicated. After explaining all the big and little things going on and finally bursting into tears, I came to the same conclusion as my doctor did. No chance of a simple cure, since really all the aches, pains, symptoms and signs I am suffering from are primarily emotional/stress-related.
I hate this. I would always rather have a physical symptom than an emotional/mental one. Seems to me that the physical is easier to cure, but maybe that's also my mother speaking through me. Growing up in my house physical symptoms were taken seriously. A cold, flu, gastric trouble, broken bones, allergies - these were all given attention and dealt with by getting the appropriate medication or treatment. Emotional upset or psychological distress, those were immediately dismissed by a 'thank god, it's in your head, it's not real, therefore STOP now'!
So, what I have manifested throughout my life, but a combination of the physical, those things which demand immediate attention and even hospitalisation, and the psychological. The difference being that the psychological symptoms are the ones that I don't really have the resources to deal with right now and are affecting me badly.
This is a list of my complaints:
1. Hair falling out - verdict: stress
2. Sleep disturbance - verdict: stress
3. Rapid weight gain- verdict: overeating, also related to stress
4. Back pain - verdict: stress since the back pain is exacerbated by weight gain ergo...
5. Lack of concentration - verdict: stress
6. Lethargic - verdict: stress
7. Lipomas all over limbs increasing and causing pain - verdict: ?
All in all the biggest symptom is that I seem to cry/shout/sleep at all the wrong times without much sense of control. As you can imagine, this creates a slightly discordant atmosphere at home not to mention that is playing hell with my relationship.
It's not fair. The winter is over. We moved the clocks this week. Daylight is lasting longer. I am not supposed to feel like this at this time of the year. Of course, I am aware that my father's sudden bacterial infection is making me a bit nuts. I feel so unsettled and helpless.
Anyone that knows me will know I am not good in situations in which I am not in control. This doesn't mean that I always know what to do, but I always need to think I know what to do and I like to be in charge. I can hear the knowing smirk of laughter already.
So, what to do? I cannot find an immediate cure. The doctor was sympathetic and made some medical suggestions that we both dismissed as not being needed. She advised me to relax, not push anything right now and just take care of myself. Good advice. I must give it to myself at least every day and still don't know how to do this.
I feel pretty lousy right now. It will shift. Tomorrow morning I will get up, paint my face, put on my competence suit and go off to deliver a wonderful day of training. This is also the genuine me, so I guess the trick here is not to give more weight to the negative than the positive. I just wish I wasn't so bone-achingly tired all the time.
Some days I even bore myself.
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