Waiting

Today I spent waiting.  My father is not well and we wound up in the emergency room of Hartford Hospital for most of the day.  The long and short is that my dad was admitted overnight and tomorrow morning he will see a specialist to see what the next steps are.  I don't want to go into health details but I will say that I am concerned but not panicked (yet).  My brother, sister-in-law and I spent all day pacing, waiting, sitting, speculating and very distressed.  My father was the least distressed of all of us.  He seems to accept everything with enormous equanimity and great amenability.  It's tough to see him in the hospital but I am determined to hold off on my pessimism until I have more information.

All of this means I really don't know if I can go back to London on Monday.  I need to wait until I have a fuller picture of my dad's state of health.  It's strange to be waiting in a hospital again.  I am lucky enough to not have had to pace hospital corridors for quite a few years and the whole admission process and tests and smells have brought back some pretty tough memories.  I have done this too many times and rarely has there been a good outcome. 

I came back to my brother's house and drank a large vodka and just sat back and breathed for a while.  I feel so unsettled right now.  I'm going to finish my packing (just in case) and go to bed.  Until tomorrow...more waiting.