Feeling overwhelmed...

There is such a relentless quality about the world and today seems more than ever to be a relentlessly time marching on sort of day.  Yesterday I felt like the world slowed down for me as I enjoyed remembering Frank and today just seems to be rushing by in a cascade of time and heat.  The sun is shining too hot and the day is too bright.  I emerged from the underground cave of travel on my way home from work and felt like a troglodyte shielding my eyes from the sun.  I hate the heat.

Funny how I dislike the short, dark days of winter and dislike the white hot city days of summer.  Is there no pleasing me?  I guess not.  I need to live in a warm temperate environment where it's always spring and the breezes are warm and balmy.  But, then again, Spring is the time of year when I have my worst allergies and all those grass and tree pollens play havoc with my breathing. There really is no pleasing me.

As I approach those last few days before I am no longer 60 I feel the drumbeats of aging.  I feel old today.  Tired and worn.  My work day was good, but I feel no joy in it anymore. It's a great way to earn money and I certainly am not in a position where I can turn down this income, but I wish I was.  I would like to not need to work and then I would work out of choice. God, I love complaining.

Right now I will make myself a list of things to complain about:
1. Crowded, hot smelly trains filled with young people wearing far too little to be out in public.
2. Course participants who think they are getting away with their racist attitudes when it's as plain as the noses on their smug faces.
3. Bad coffee for which there is no excuse.
4. Air conditioning that is never right - either too cold or too warm.
5. Cooking dinner again, after 40 years of cooking dinner.
6. Dieting.
7. Housework, once done, needs doing again.
8. Missing my kids, even though sometimes they are quite a trial.
9. My own laziness.
10. Never being satisfied with what is,and knowing that that's all there is.

I am a complainer.  It gives me a sense that I'm doing something when I complain.  My mother was a blamer, but not me, I'm not so hot on blame, but I sure can complain. I am fed up with myself today and with the rest of the world.  I want to pull the blankets up, but it's too hot, so I just want to retreat to a small corner with lots of unhealthy snacks and gorge myself on starch and sugar until my stomach hurts.  Then I can complain some more.

At least I am not depressed.  There is a definite upbeat quality to my complaining today.

And so... I just took a break from writing to go out with my handsome old man for wonderful Japanese food and a walk in the fading light of day.  It is a beautiful, soft summery evening and I felt my energy change completely while I was walking.  All the scratchiness of today fell away and I enjoyed my dinner and great company and now feel quite relaxed and calm.

I am unbelievably tedious.  These moods are a pain in the neck.  I must start being more meditative and even.  The see-saw ride of this evening is absolutely exhausting. Sleep now.