Finally, a diagnosis on the way to the shops.

In the car this afternoon, driving to buy a new iron, I was joking with Ralph about my moods and their volatility.  I decided I was bi-polar, in a mild, albeit, noticeable way.  I was joking and so was he when he said I wasn't bipolar at all, but multi-polar.  We laughed and discussed my rapidly changing behaviour, from loving and warm one minute, to despondent through to raging the next minute.

I came home and looked up multi-polar personalities on the web and found this:

'Multi-polar disorder is characterized by the classic high/low pattern, alternating frequently between emotional extremes to the point of delusion. Grandiosity is often expressed with the multi-polar personality who feels extreme love and goodness one minute, and intense anger and mean-like-a-witch the next minute. These frequent and intense emotional episodes take their toll on family, friends and co-workers.'

Well, this certainly took me aback.  I go up and down like a yo-yo, but would never label what I do as a 'disorder'.  It is part of the rich tapestry of my life that I move between moods so much. I do not feel disordered, just chaotic and I certainly don't feel this chaos all the time.

I read this definition out to Ralph and I think he was a bit discombobulated by it.  As he said, 'but I was only joking!" Lucky for him I was not in my mean-like-a-witch phase today.

To get back to my shopping expedition.  It was to Brent Cross, a nearby shopping mall -  all indoor shops and not enough fresh air and light. Once again, and this seems like a regular event, I had to buy another steam iron.  The one I bought 18 months ago blew up on Wednesday.  I hate the fact that appliances that look perfectly fine will suddenly stop working.  Surely we live in a society where things could be manufactured without this built-in obsolescence?  Capitalism has a lot to answer for.

Well the shopping mall was today populated by women.  Lots and lots of women, shopping while their menfolk stayed at home and watched World Cup football.  I am amazed at what happens to this country when the World Cup starts.  Yesterday were the first matches and suddenly the streets seemed to empty of men.  It was as if we were back in 1940 on war watch when all the women had to take to the factories and replace the absent men during the second world war.  Today is the first match that England plays and as luck would have it, it's between England and the USA.  Ahh!  Who to root for?  Should I root for England but put a sneaky bet on the USA?  Where do my sporting loyalties lie? Do I have any loyalties, sporting or otherwise?  I actually have been asked this at least half a dozen times today and I had to stop and think about this for about ten whole seconds.  of course I will cheer for England.  I've lived here for 40 years.  I consider myself as English as most of the English and I even tremble a bit for the possibility that we will lose this first match and I will never be able to hold my head up amongst the Yanks that I know.  Also luckily, I don't really particularly care who wins, who plays, what order the teams play in or how long this madness carries on.  I intend to plan my shopping expeditions, restaurant visits and trips into town to coincide with this week's matches.

Back to my multi-polar personality and my multi-polar life. I have always fluctuated in my moods.  As a child I was sulky and described as 'moody'.  Those who know me will know that I am still a bit that way sometimes (!). I went through my menopausal years doing a rather convincing interpretation of a screaming banshee and my son took to referring to me as my 'evil twin'.  Thankfully those days are gone and I have returned to my usual normal fluctuating patterns.

I do wish I was even-tempered and quietly, meditatively accepting of the world, but I think I would miss the craziness of my life.  I also think these bouts of 'mishigas' contribute to my creativity.  Forty or so years ago I saw a play called 'Equus' by Peter Shaffer.  The premise of the play was that by curing someone of their non-conforming, disturbed behaviour will we also condemn them to a life of mediocrity and stagnancy.  This resonates with me still and I wonder if I am  not just a child of my time.  I grew up in the generation Tom Wolfe labelled the 'Me Generation', a generation of self-involved people concerned with their own emotional needs and well-being.  Of course this led to a selfishness that I see in myself.  I grew up with my feeeelings taking the front row in my life and now that I want my feelings to take a back seat, that's not so easy.  Old habits die hard.

Generally, though, as far as multi-polarities are concerned I am feeling good right now.  I have taken back control of my appetite and am eating in a healthy balanced way again and this always makes me feel positive.  I am looking forward to next weekend's chanting with Krishna Das and the sun is shining more these days.  The garden is abundantly green and the days are light and longer.  I have a new steam iron and am ready to take on the world again. What could be bad?