Surprises galore today!

Driving in my car, on a journey I make with great regularity, I suddenly found myself talking out loud.  This is not as rare an occurrence as it used to be, but I still startled myself when I heard my voice speaking my thoughts out loud.  No, I am not losing my mind.  I feel perfectly clear and sane today, more than I have felt for some weeks. What I was saying to myself was "I welcome all new experiences today, I welcome all positive energy into my life, I am open to positive experiences today".

Surprise! I thought.  Where the hell did that come from?  Usually I drive along in my fugue state blocking out the world and just quietly trying to get through my day.  This morning it felt completely different.  Immediately preceding this uncharacteristic positive vocalising I was musing on the years that I was a sannyassin - a disciple or follower - of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, now known as Osho.  Specifically I was remembering the name I was given by him and that I went by for over ten years of my life.  Bhagwan named me Yoga Shakti. 

This is quite a name to be given.  It has a powerful meaning and when I was given the name I felt it to be more than I could fulfill.  I was told that the name meant 'union with energy'.  Wow!  This made me feel very small and very big all at the same time.  Initially calling myself by this name seemed an arrogance, a presumption of power that I didn't really feel.  As I got used to my new name I began to enjoy my name.  Hey, I was powerful, I was cosmic energy personified, I was an explosion in human form - great!

For some years I felt I was growing into this new name. I lead encounter groups, meditations, and I was a dynamic, talented leader in many areas of my life.  At the same time I began to feel a bit embarrassed by calling myself a name that was so loaded with meaning.  I started to wonder whether my name was something I was meant to aspire to, or was it some indication of what my guru felt was missing from life?  I never asked.  It was clear that everything I thought was true and also everything I thought or speculated was also so much nonsense.

Actually, I did once ask Bhagwan about my name.  When I first was given the name I wondered if it was truly for me, so I wrote to Bhagwan in India.  The reply was immediate and said simply, 'A rose by any other name..."  So I guess this name was mine and I had to work out what Yoga Shakti meant for me.

Remembering all of this today, I recalled that when I stopped being a disciple of Bhagwan's I also stopped using the name he had given me and went back to being Cynthia.  It also became clear to me that when I thought about my sannyas name I felt a bit ashamed at how little I was living up to my name and how low and depressed and energy-less I often seemed to be - exactly the opposite of my idea of how a Yoga Shakti should be.  After some soul searching experiences in recent years I began to re-integrate with the identity I had as Yoga Shakti and the woman I now am.  I do still carry the 'union with energy' that I once felt I owned and I catch genuine glimpses of the powerful person I can be, when I choose this.

There are still people who call me Shakti. People I knew from my life then, that are still part of my life now.  You know what, I am surprised to find that I rarely correct them.  I like hearing myself referred to as Shakti.  Some of it is nostalgia for an idyllic youth, but some of it is also that I like to be reminded that I once lived this name each and every day.

So, today, driving along, speaking those positive affirmations out loud, I felt myself to be accompanied by the 'union with positive energy', the Yoga Shakti of my past, travelling along with me in the present. It sure felt and still feels very good.