Why do I continue to do this?
I get little or no feedback from others.
Sometimes I feel I have little or nothing to say.
Is it arrogance to think that my words are worthwhile?
Does this achieve anything?
I would have to say yes to the question about whether or not writing so regularly achieves something. It does for me. I have found that my moods travel through faster, like taking verbal laxatives. It is so much more difficult to hang on to negative emotions when I take a little distance from those emotions and try to define them in words. Surprisingly, the positive emotions also pass more quickly. I realise that it is hard to hang on to any emotions since by their nature they are passing things. I feel less attached to the ups and downs. I even begin to inhabit the middle ground more.
I have written before about feedback and I am not so caught up in what others think of my blog. In fact, I am still a little embarrassed about it. I do this for myself and the feedback is an instantaneous sort of bio-feedback. I write, I read and I process, quickly and sometimes quite efficiently. Of course there are other times when I hang on to my feelings and the feedback I give myself consists of masochistic indulgence. This is not as much the case as it used to be. This is growth and at 61, it's about time.
Do I have something to say? Sometimes, yes. Those who know me will know that I am never ever lost for words. If words were money I would be a multi-millionaire. Words have a power and I'm trying to use some of them as a power for good and a power for change. Writing down my words means that I don't forget what I have to say and I experience the impact of the words more directly. Writing things down has made me much more conscious of gratitude and compassion. I have been moved by my own words to remember and thank those who helped shape me and I feel much more for everyone who touches my life.
My words are worthwhile. It doesn't much matter if they have meaning for anyone else. They have enormous meaning for me. Occasionally I read through some of my old entries and I am amazed to read what I have written. Some of it's good writing, but mostly it's a good window on my self. it's taken me a very long time to feel able to publicly reveal my anxieties and insecurities. I still like to project a strong, controlled image to the world, but through writing down things I can also see that this is an also. I am also strong, I am also powerful and I am also insecure and unsure. I am learning to embrace the whole of me. Wow!
Is is arrogant to sing my own praises? No. I astound myself with all the things I am able to do. If only I was as willing as I am able, I would be an empire builder, a tycoon, a royal of some sort. As it is, I am a very skilled dabbler, flitting from one creative pursuit to another and actually, enjoying them all along the way.
I still have to work on Cynthia, the beautiful woman. I am still distant from the sensual, gorgeous me. That still is a big work in progress, but it seems to be next on the list. I am more ready to allow myself to feel pleasure and enjoy. I struggle with allowing people to get really close and this does cause me difficulty. The issue of trust is one that I am finally ready to look at. I deserve this now.
I will carry on writing. If only I read this, it is enough, though I also like sharing myself with others. So, if you're out there and reading this, thank you once again, with your help, I can change the world by meeting myself here.
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