Life in Pyjamas

12 noon - I never want to get dressed again.  Since coming back from Holland I have found it increasingly difficult to get myself moving and dressed.  I have taken two consecutive days off from my usual make-up routine.  Anyone who knows me will know that that's really unusual.  I always put my warpaint on and I actually pity the people on the other side of my eyes at the moment. I am walking around naked-faced.

I am taking a mini-holiday from me.  One of the wonderful things about the Humaniversity is also one of the most tiring for me - the constant self-examination and mirroring of behaviour.  Everyone I meet there in some way helps me to reflect on myself, my good points, my bad points and my perceptions.  I like this, sometimes I even enjoy it, but ultimately, as much as I learn and take away, it is tiring.  Hence the vacation from me.

I spent all this morning in my pyjamas.  I spoke to a good friend and suddenly realised that if I am going to spend my life in pj's they have to be nicer. Shlepping around in an old t-shirt and sweatpants does not make me feel attractive and decadent. This is the look I would like to aim for, rather than homeless hobo. Maybe tomorrow I will have the energy to go out and look for some genuinely attractive 'loungewear'.

8pm - I did get dressed today, albeit at 1pm.  I went out into the world and explored. I felt like a hunter - trawling the local shops, deciding what to catch for dinner, and bringing it home to cook.  Tonight it was lebanese cous cous with prawns - yummy.  Now I can watch other people cook on TV and relax again.

One of the things I've been busy with since coming home is relationship.  I need to talk more, to share myself and what goes on in my head.  I tend to keep things close to me and only talk when I have things completely sorted, or what I think is sorted.  I actually believe that my husband of over 40 years does not know when I'm down or troubled or insecure or anxious - did I also mention that I am often very stupid??? I am a pretty open book.  I wear my emotions on the outside, but I like to think I am deep and complex.  The trouble for me is how heavily I judge myself. I saw it again at the Humaniversity.  I always believe the worst and I feel like I wait for the axe to drop.  This makes me pretty nervous about what's round the corner.  I intend to let go of a lot of that this summer.

Well, the day is coming to an end and it's time for me to get back into my pyjamas.  Until tomorrow.  I think I will jump up first thing in the morning, shower, get dressed and face the day with the renewed energy of a healthy, well-adjusted woman. A change is at least as good as a rest.