When I arrived, The Humaniversity was about to start the one month long group that they've run every summer since 1977. In those early days the groups were chaotic, spontaneous, unpredictable events. Now the routine and schedule for each day is more predictable and maybe that leaves space to see the participants clearly. When I was on the staff of the summer groups we never knew what was coming next. Now the staff seem almost regimented in their scheduling, but the madness and chaos of the people will always remain. This year the theme for the group is 'this sacred earth' and the daily meetings and other assorted announcements and activity will help emphasize the need to take care, not just of ourselves, but of the planet we live on.
I very much enjoyed working in the buzzy environment that a group of 100+ can bring. The house rocked and the schedule was round the clock. The web work was nice and the people were as wonderful as always. I went through some of my own emotions and saw a little of myself more clearly. I saw and felt how much I need to keep myself guarded and safe. I may now believe in myself much more than I used to, but I still have this stubborn kernel of fear in me. I know that somewhere it comes from holding on to sadness and years and years of holding. I saw it and felt it more clearly that ever. Maybe, through tears with friends, I even let go of a little bit of it. As I said to my friend, Veeresh, "I used to believe that I was not worth much and the world was unsafe. Now I know that I am loveable but I still think the world is not safe." This is progress, but could be better.
Coming home to London and walking into my house, Ralph casually mentioned that our upstairs wall, the one we spent ages fixing and painting and the walls that created so much dust and unpleasantness in my home six months ago, has re-cracked. The dry weather had caused more subsidence. I was so upset I can hardly bear to think about it. It felt like my home had cancer, it was cured and now it's back. This is an extreme reaction I know, but I feel sick to my stomach over this. Last year when were disturbing the fabric of my house I lived with it and my body and psyche went nuts. I lost my hair, got sick, had allergies and I don't know how I can face this again. I just want to coat the walls in duct tape and turn my back.
I am trying to concentrate instead on the praise and gifts of recognition and love that I lived with and in for the past few days and also come back towards my beloved husband and bring some of the healthier me home again. To hell with the cracks. It's just bricks and mortar. It can be fixed. Love counts, walls need to come down sometimes too.
No comments:
Post a Comment