I went back to work today after two months of wonderful summertime break. I felt anxious and uncertain about going back and running the course that I designed and have delivered for five years and know inside out and backwards and forwards. Why do I still put myself, needlessly as it turns out, through these periods of hesitation and low confidence? Surely I know my worth by now and yet I still feel unsure. In a way it's like an actor's stage fright, it spurs me on to do things better.
I find that as the years go by I am more and more unsure of my place in the world. I actually don't think this is a bad thing. I am less arrogant and self-important than I was as a snotty teenager and more assured about who I am. I am also much, much more nostalgic and emotional. I am often to be found crying at home makeover shows, reality TV and old movies. I find myself more compassionate and less impatient. These are qualities I value in myself. I believe they are qualities that have come to me through the aging process. I wasn't at all ready to receive these qualities in my younger years.
I love and hate getting old. I mourn for the beautiful, lithe, thin woman I was. Oh, wait a minute, that was never me. I was always the slightly hairy, dark, dumpy Jewish one, but I also miss her. As I've matured I feel like an old cheese - to be savoured and enjoyed but occasionally a bit too strong for some. Watching hair grow in new places and not grow in places I want is a new sensation and I appreciate the advice of a good friend, who said that the best gift you can give an older woman is a strong magnifying mirror and a good pair of tweezers.
I love the mushy qualities that I seem to have developed. Through chanting and singing I have discovered a sentimentally spiritual part of myself. I cry easily and feel overwhelmed at times with deep, deep feelings of 'rightness'. Hard to explain this one, but I know it when I feel it. The 'rightness' of my relationships, my teachers and my life generally, the 'rightness'of friendships and the cherishing of the special moments of my life.
It's hardto explain these feelings. They sometimes seem teenage in their intensity, but also feel very, very old and filled with a timeless wisdom. I felt it today at work. I saw, heard and felt the struggle that some of the people on my course went through in order to improve their working lives, all the time having to deal with fear of getting it wrong. I have a lot more time for these feelings in my course participants. I allow more and understand more.
The day went pretty well.
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